Albus, Severus and Tom
by Red The Animator
Summary: After the strange disappearance of Dumbledore, Snape and Voldemort, three new eleven year olds who can’t remember who they are arrive at Hogwarts. Coincidence? Probably.
1. A letter from Snape

(AN: Here it is! Our greatest story yet! And our longest!)

* * *

**Albus, Severus, and Tom**

By R.E.D. and Double A

Chapter One

A letter from Snape

On a hot August day, Dumbledore was walking down a Hogwarts corridor. Professor McGonagall quickly ran up to him.

"Headmaster, Snape has sent you a letter."

"Oh goodies!" said Dumbledore.

They both stood still for a few seconds.

"Would you like to read it?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"Read what?"

"The letter!"

"What letter?"

"The one from Snape!"

"Snape sent me a letter?" asked Dumbledore excitedly.

Professor McGonagall slapped her forehead then shoved the letter into Dumbledore's hands. Dumbledore opened the letter.

_Dear Dumbledore, it begins. I have written to you to tell you that... VOLDEMORT IS ATTACKING THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC!!!_

_Love, Severus Snape_

Dumbledore looked at the letter for a few seconds. Then he re-read it two more times. Then he stared off into space for a minute. Then he read the letter once more and finally decided that he needed to get Professor McGonagall to explain it to him.

"It means," said Professor McGonagall, "that Voldemort is attacking the ministry of magic."

"Oh!" said Dumbledore. "I knew that. I just wanted to see if you could still read."

"ALBUS!" cried McGonagall.

"Wha?!"

"Shouldn't you be alerting the Order of the Phoenix? Or going down to the ministry to stop Voldemort?"

"What a great idea!" said Dumbledore. "I shall go at once."

Dumbledore stood still for several more seconds.

"Get going!" cried McGonagall.

"Sheesh!" said Dumbledore as he walked off.

* * *

"What is this?" asked Harry at the Weasleys house.

"Yeah, what are these?" asked Ron.

"Well you see," said George.

"Old Dumbly thinks that some student's parents are sending them to other schools because they think Hogwarts isn't good enough," said Fred

"So he put us in charge of doing some advertising!" said George.

Harry flipped through the ten-page catalogue again. " '_Hogwarts has the best Defense against the Dark arts class_.' As I recall we need a new teacher every year!"

"Well it never hurts to stretch the truth," said Fred.

"I could understand stretching the truth," said Ron, "but this is outright lying! It says that the potions class is the most cheerful!"

"It is cheerful!" said George. "That is, if you're Snape."

"You can't publish this!" said Hermione.

"Actually," said Fred, "we were just about to go down to the ministry to get them published."

"What?" asked Harry.

"You can join us if you like," said Fred. "Dad's renting a car for us."

"Do you think that we have no lives and that we want to go with you to watch you publish lies?!" asked Harry.

"Sure we'll go!" said Ron.

Harry and Hermione both slapped their foreheads.

* * *

Dumbledore appeared at the Ministry and walked up to the security guard. 

"I'm here to stop Voldemort," said Dumbledore calmly.

The security guard waved him through. "He's on level nine, down the hall and to the left."

"Thanks!" said Dumbledore jollily as he walked off.

* * *

Fred, George, Harry, Ron, and Hermione came out of the phone booth elevator and walked up to the security guard. 

"We're here to publish a catalogue," said George.

The security guard waved them through. "The publishing office is on level nine, down the hall and to the right."

"Thanks!" said Fred as they walked off.

* * *

Dumbledore ran down the hall but forgot which way to turn. After thirty seconds of thinking, he heard the sound of glass breaking coming from the door on the left so he decided to try that one.

* * *

"Isn't it funny that the publishing office is right next to the Department of Mysteries?" asked Ron. 

"Just a coincidence," said George.

"Actually," said Hermione, "In the late 16th century, it was necessary for the publishing-"

"Whatever!" said Ron as they stepped out onto the ninth level.

They went down the hall and through the right door and up to the publishing desk.

"We'd like to publish this," said Fred to the witch at the desk as he set the catalogue down.

The witch for some reason was staring off at something behind them.

"Excuse me!" said Fred angrily.

The witch continued to stare blankly.

"Maybe she's enchanted," suggested Hermione. "Try a disenchantment spell."

Harry pulled out his wand.

"Not now!" said the witch angrily.

"Well what the heck is it?!" asked Ron.

The witch nodded towards the Department of Mysteries that could be seen through the glass doors.

"Isn't that Dumbledore?" asked Hermione.

"Yeah," said Harry, "and isn't that Vol- OH MY GOSH!!!"

"And isn't that Snape over there?" asked Ron.

Voldemort and Dumbledore were sending curses back and forth while Snape sat in the background. Voldemort hit Dumbledore with a tickling spell.

"Ha ha ha ha!" said Dumbledore as he gave himself the countercurse. "You got me again Tom!"

"Good one master!" said Snape.

"Thank you Snape," said Voldemort before blocking a spell. "Now would you be so kind as to help me here?"

"I'd love to master," said Snape, "but I have a terrible cramp in my wand arm."

"You _always _have a cramp when I need you to fight Dumbledore!" said Voldemort angrily.

"I had a cramp once," said Dumbledore. "It hurt like crazy! So I got Madam Pomfrey to put some cream on it and that fixed it up good."

"Really?" asked Voldemort. "What was it?"

"I can't remember," said Dumbledore as he sent another disarming spell. "I think it was some kind of herbal thing."

"Could it have been essence of dung weed?" asked Snape.

"Yeah!" said Dumbledore. "I think that was it."

"Ooh," said Voldemort. "You'll have to get me some."

"I'll make you some right after this master," said Snape.

"Dumbledore?!" shouted Harry.

"Hi Harry!" said Dumbledore happily.

"Potter!" said Voldemort. "My plans are always ruined when _he's _around!"

"Don't say that master," said Snape.

"Oh yeah?!" asked Voldemort. "Name one incident where my plan _wasn't _ruined when he's been around."

"Well actually-" began Hermione.

"Not now!" said Voldemort.

"Hey Harry," said Dumbledore, "what are you doing at the ministry?"

"I came with Fred and George to see them publish that catalogue that you wanted them to make."

"They're finished already?" asked Dumbledore as he dodged a killing curse. "I hope you did a good job!"

"Don't worry!" called Fred. "You'll love it!"

"Umm... guys?" said Harry. "Shouldn't we go help Dumbledore?"

"No no! I've got it Harry!" said Dumbledore.

"Let's go help him!" said Hermione.

"Bu-bu-but Dumbledore said-" began Ron.

"Come on!" said Harry as he grabbed Ron by the sleeve and dragged him across the hall.

"Master," said Snape, "Potter is coming over."

"Oh no!" said Voldemort. "Is your cramp almost gone Snape?"

"Nearly."

"Good! Then go grab the _you know what_, while I fight them."

"Right away master," said Snape as he ran through a door.

Harry, Ron and Hermione all joined in the battle.

"So how was your summer?" asked Dumbledore.

"Quite nice actually," said Harry as he sent a disarming spell. "Dudley's on a new diet and he's been quite mellow because of it. Then half way through July I went over to the Weasley's house."

"That's good," said Dumbledore. "How about you Tom?"

"I've told you," said Voldemort angrily, "my name is Voldemort!"

"That's not what it says on your Hogwarts records."

"I haven't gotten around to changing that yet," said Voldemort as he sent another killing curse at Dumbledore.

"You're avoiding the question Tom," said Dumbledore.

"Actually my summer was pretty nice as well," said Voldemort. "You know, plotting and scheming."

"You know," said Ron, "I never liked the word scheming. It sounds so devious. Not to mention it's tricky to spell."

"I disagree Ron," said Hermione. "Just because you can't spell doesn't mean-"

"I've got it!" said Snape as he returned.

Everybody jumped in surprise and shot a curse at Snape, causing the object that he was holding to explode. A bright blue light expanded outwards, engulfing Snape, Dumbledore, and Voldemort before disappearing.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at the wreckage.

"Where's Dumbledore?" asked Ron.

Harry looked around. "Where's any of them?"

"We're finished!" called Fred and George as the walked in with their arms piled high with catalogues.

"How did your fight with Voldemort go?" asked George.

"And where's Dumbledore?" asked Fred. "We need to show him our catalogues."

Ron sniffled. "Dumbledore's gone!"


	2. Noodles

Chapter Two

Noodles

Harry just stood there unable to digest what had just happened.

"He's gone?" asked Fred.

"All gone! No more!" said Ron. "No Dumbledore! No Dumbledore smile! No Dumbledore gravy! No Dumbledore sandwiches! Gone! All gone!"

Just then all the Aurors came running in.

"Fantastic timing!" said George. "You missed the whole thing entirely!"

"What happened?!" asked the first Auror.

"Voldemort was here," said Ron.

"Voldemort?" asked the Auror. "Impossible! Voldemort can't get into the Ministry of Magic!"

"I'm just reading what it says on the wall," said Ron.

Sure enough, on the wall, enchanted letters were glowing, '_Voldemort was here._'

"Oh my gosh!" said the Auror. "Voldemort was here!"

"And so were Dumbledore and Snape," said Hermione.

"Where are they all now?"

Harry sniffled. "They're gone!"

"Gone?" asked The Auror. "Gone where?"

"Vanished! Destroyed! Completely disintegrated!" shouted Fred.

"Snape was holding something when it happened," said Hermione."Blah blah blah!" said Ron. "That's all I hear from you Hermione!"

"Maybe you should get your ears checked!" said Hermione.

"What?" asked Ron.

"Are you saying that Voldemort is dead?" interrupted the Auror.

"Pretty much," said Ron.

"YEAH!!!"

"But so is Dumbledore!" said Harry.

"Oh well, no one liked him," said the Auror.

"No one likes _you_!" said Ron.

"Yeah!" said Fred. "You don't even have a name! You're just _The Auror_."

"I do to have a name!" said _the Auror_.

"Oh yeah?" asked George. "What is it?"

"It's Phillip!"

"I bet that you just came up with that off the top of your head!" said Fred.

"I did actually," said Philip.

"HA!" cried Ron.

"That's not the point!" said Philip. "I'll need to take you all in for questioning."

"Questioning?" asked George. "We told you what happened!"

"Sorry. The Minister would have me fired if I didn't spend as much time as possible doing something that looked important."

"Gosh!" said Ron. "This Ministry's all rubbish!"

"And it pays badly too!" said an Auror in the background.

"Please come with us." said Philip.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, and all the Aurors walked into the elevators and ascended upwards.

Meanwhile, in a surge of blue light, three eleven year olds appeared. The first one had auburn hair and was wearing half moon spectacles. The second one had greasy black hair, a big nose and a permanent sneer. The last one had black hair, and pale skin.

"That was fantastic!" cried the first eleven year old.

"Yes indeed," said the second. "What exactly just happened?"

"No idea," said the third. "But lets do it again!"

"Indeed!" said the first.

There was a long pause.

"Who are any of you?" asked the third.

"I..." began the second. "-I can't remember. Wait! I think my name is... Sev- Severus. Yes that's it! I'm Severus."

"I think my name's Albus," said the first. "But I can't remember anything else about me."

"Same here!" said the third. "All that I can remember is that my name is Tom."

"We need to somehow learn what's going on," said Albus. "Hold on, what's this?"

Albus bent down and picked up a catalogue.

"It says, _Go to Hogwarts where you can learn what's going on!_"

"Maybe we can go there to figure out what's happened to us," said Severus.

"It also says that they have a good Quidditch program," said Tom. "I have no idea what Quidditch is, but it sounds like fun. I hope you get to tackle people!"

"Ooh!" said Severus. "They also have a fun potions class. But no cooking?! I don't think I'll like this place very much."

"You don't strike me as the kind of person who would like _anything _very much!" said Albus.

"No," said Severus, "I guess not."

"How do we get to Hogwarts?" asked Tom. "I want to start tackling people. I know! I'll tackle _you _Severus!"

"What? No, I umm... have a nasty cramp!"

Tom charged Severus.

"AHH!!"

Tom knocked Severus off his feet.

"Oh boy!" said Albus as he jumped on the dog pile.

"Ow ow ow ow!" cried Severus. "You're pulling my hair!"

"Eww! It's so greasy!" said Tom.

"It reminds me of noodles!" said Albus. "Now I'm all hungry for noodles!"

"Oh gosh!" cried Tom. "Now you're making _me _hungry!"

"Why don't we leave this dreadful place and go get something to eat," suggested Severus whose head was being sat on by Tom.

"Fantastic!" said Albus. "All these candles are hurting my eyes!"

"I don't know," said Tom, "I kind of like it in here. It's all dark and depressing."

"Which way is out?" asked Albus.

"Perhaps it's through that door with the big sign marked 'EXIT'," said Severus.

Albus looked for a second. "Naw! It's probably a trap."

"Come on!" said Severus as he forced his head out from under Tom.

"Yes!" said Tom. "Let's blow this cracker stand!"

"Crackers?!" gasped Albus. "Where? Where are the crackers?! GIVE ME THE CRACKERS!!!"

"They're through that door," said Tom.

Albus ran through.

"Hey! wait for us!"

* * *

"So you're telling us," began Hermione, "that we just destroyed a very ancient, very classified, Ministry time experiment?!" 

"Basically," replied Philip.

"So is Dumbledore really dead?" asked Harry.

"We don't know. Probably. And in any case that would also mean that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was killed too. Which is always good."

"Good point," said Fred.

"So you mean that there's a chance that Dumbledore might actually be alive?" asked Harry.

"Well..." began Philip, "maybe in a one out of a billion chance. It's not likely."

"Is that the case?" asked Ron, "Or is that what you're telling the Minister of Magic so that he'll be happy and raise your pay check?"

"To tell you the truth," said Philip, "I don't know anything about the department of mysteries. I just catch dark wizards."

"Isn't that the new Auror slogan?" asked George. "_I just catch dark wizards_?"

"It is as a matter of fact!" said Philip. "But I have said too much, and it's time for you to go home and feel comfortable knowing that the ministry has everything under control."

"That doesn't make me feel comfortable at all," said Ron.

"Well it makes _me _feel good," said Philip, "but people have told me that I'm impressionable. What ever that means. Now leave."

"Hey!" said Fred. "This is a free country! We can do what ever we want!"

"No it's not," said Philip. "That's why the Americans left us."

"Oh yeah," said Ron. "Stupid Americans!"

"You might be seeing me again later this year," said Philip cryptically as Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, and George walked away.

As they all left, Harry bumped into three little eleven year olds.

"Watch where you're going!" said Tom.

"Sorry," said Harry. "Some people have told me that I can't quite see things that are right in front of me."

"What a terrible thing!" said Albus.

"Yeah, well... life goes on. What are you kids doing in the ministry?"

"We're trying to get to Hogwarts," said Severus.

"Hogwarts?" asked Harry. "You can't go to Hogwarts now. It's only August."

"Oh!" said Albus. "It's only August! What ever the heck that means."

"_Right_..." said Harry as he joined Ron, Hermione, Fred, and George in the phone booth elevator.

"A phone booth elevator!" said Tom. "Now that's smart!"


	3. A Harry Pastry

Chapter Three

A Harry Pastry

Albus, Severus, and Tom arrived at an old pub called _The Leaky Cauldron_.

"Are you sure this is where we need to go?" asked Tom.

"I'm positive!" said Albus. "When have I ever been wrong?"

"Well there was that one time that you tried to flush yourself down a toilet to find your lost Galleon," said Severus.

"That would have worked had the pipes not been so small!" said Albus. "Besides, it says right here in this catalogue that this is where we need to go to find Dy-Dy-Dy-i-gone Alley."

"Hey waiter," called Tom to Tom the bartender, "we'll have three butterbeers over here!"

"Here you go," said the bartender as he set three icy mugs filled with cool, crispy, frothy, bubbly, refreshing-

"Just give us the drinks!" cried Albus.

"That will be ten sickles," said the bartender.

"Ten sickles?!" gasped Tom. "You're ripping us off!"

"Do you want your drinks or not?" asked the bartender.

"NO!" cried Tom. "Let's go."

"But-" mumbled Albus as he stared at the chilled glasses sitting on the counter.

"Come on!" cried Tom.

"Fine!" said Albus as he tore his vision from the tasty beverages.

"Now where is this supposed passage into Diagon Alley?" asked Severus.

"It's in the back," said Albus as he took them through a door, pausing to have one last look at the icy crisp mugs filled with a fine rich creamy-

"Move it!" cried Tom.

"You sure are bossy!" said Albus.

"If I wasn't, we would never get anything done!"

"Good one master," said Severus.

"Why did you just call me master?" asked Tom.

"I-I don't know. Do you want me to stop?"

"No. I kind of like it."

"Here we are!" said Albus.

They stood in front of a blank brick wall.

Tom looked at it for a few seconds. "Somehow I pictured Diagon Alley more... umm... bigger."

"That's the trick!" said Albus. "It's to stop intruders. Do any of you still have your sticks?"

"Yeah," said Severus and Tom together as they held up their wands.

"Good!" said Albus as he took his wand out as well. "Now we need to find a specific brick that we need to tap with our sticks. So everyone start tapping!"

After about five minutes of tapping Severus tapped a brick and the wall started changing.

"Oh no!" cried Severus. "I broke it!"

"Who cares," said Tom, "were in!"

The trio looked through the newly formed archway and the many shops that lie beyond. They then all ran in squealing like little girls.

* * *

"I'm just saying," said Harry as he, Ron, and Hermione left Flourish and Blotts, "Dumbledore could be stuck in the walls at the ministry and we would never know about it."

"Harry," began Hermione, "for that matter Dumbledore could be stuck anywhere!"

"Or any when." said Ron.

"Any when?" asked Hermione.

"You know, somewhere in time."

"You mean right now Dumbledore might be having tea with Godric Gryffindor while we're here worried sick about him?" asked Harry.

"Or he might be stuck on Godric Gryffindor's wall," said Ron. "Or he might be sticking half way out of the wall waving his free arm trying to get help!"

"I just wish I could have some kind of clue as to where he is," said Harry. "Anything!"

Just then a screaming Albus ran down the street and crashed into a wall.

"Are you all right?" asked Hermione.

"That was great Al!" called Tom. "Do it again."

"I don't think so," said Albus as he pulled himself from the wall. "You do it."

"Hey," said Harry. "You're the kid that I saw at the ministry."

"Then you must be the August boy!" said Albus. "I still don't get what that means."

Severus ran out of a shop selling potion supplies. "They've got frog eyes in here!"

"Frog eyes?" gasped Tom. "Let's buy some and dare each other to eat them!"

"Yeah!" shouted Albus as he ran off to join them.

"Those kids are so weird!" said Hermione.

"I wonder who their parents are?" asked Harry.

"Well whoever they are," said Hermione, "they should watch over their kids better!"

"Indeed!" said Ron.

* * *

After a whole day of running around and trying to find what they needed for Hogwarts, Albus, Severus, and Tom rented a room at the Leaky Cauldron to stay the night.

"Well, I guess that we're one step closer to finding out who we are," said Albus before turning around and free-falling onto his bed backwards, falling asleep on impact.

Severus set his collection of feathers on the windowsill and went to bed. He fell asleep instantly too.

"I wish I could fall asleep that fast," said Tom.

He then climbed onto the headboard to his bed, and fell face first onto it.

"AHH! My back!"

Albus and Severus continued to snore loudly.

"Thanks for the help," said Tom sarcastically as he tried to position his injured back so that it wouldn't hurt so much.

* * *

"My goodness!" cried Albus the next morning to Severus. "Does he breathe through his feet?!" 

Albus and Severus both looked at a pair of feet sitting on Tom's pillow while the rest of him was under the blankets.

"Wake up Tom!" shouted Albus. "We have a very busy schedule for today!"

Tom poked his head out from the back of his covers. "I didn't get to sleep last night until four!"

"Look Tom," said Albus, "even if I knew what you were talking about I would still stress the importance of our busy day!"

"As I recall," began Severus, "we had nothing planned at all."

"Exactly!" said Albus. "The first thing we need to do is find some things to do!"

"You do that without me," said Tom, "I'd rather be sleeping the day away."

"Oh come on now!" said Albus. "The early worm gets the bird!"

"Worms?" asked Severus interested.

"I'll see you in five or ten hours," said Tom as he pulled the covers back over his head.

"I won't take no for an answer!" said Albus.

"How about, it would be in my physical and mental well being that I remain in a subconscious state for at least eight hours."

"The fizzy dental of subcoconuts?" asked Albus.

"Fantastic," said Tom dully before dozing off again.

"Well Severus," said Albus, "I guess it's just you and me now."

"I'll pass," said Severus. "I want to read this new book that I got yesterday."

"What?" asked Albus. "And leave one unsupervised eleven year old running around wizarding streets?"

"While the idea makes me shudder, I'll still have to pass."

"EWW! Go outside to pass gas!"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

"Are we pretending now?!" asked Albus. "Okay, I'm a successful business CEO, and you are my dim-witted secretary."

"And you have been watching way too much Muggle television!"

"But it's so fun!"

"Then why don't you go watch some now?"

"I would, but those Muggles don't like me staring in their windows."

Severus slapped his forehead.

"Just stay in Diagon Alley, and try not to spend all our money. We spent almost five hours trying to fish it out of the fountain at the ministry."

* * *

"You haven't even touched your waffles Harry!" said Mrs. Weasley. 

"Yes," said Hermione, "it does seem odd that you're able to eat your breakfast without using your hands... and kind of gross."

"Teach me!" said Ron.

"You always eat without your hands when something's on your mind," said Hermione.

Harry lifted his face from his waffles. "How do _you_ know?"

"You do it every year during exams!"

"Oh yeah."

"What is it Harry?" asked Ron.

"Who are you?" asked Harry. "My psychiatrist?"

"I am _not_ a psychopath!" cried Ron.

"How dare you!" said Hermione. "Insulting your best friend?"

"Don't you get started!" said Harry.

"Too late," said Ron, "the key's in the ignition, and the foot is on the gas pedal."

"Since when do you know about cars?" asked Harry.

"Mornin' everyone!" said Mr. Weasley as he walked into the kitchen holding a book about cars.

Harry slammed his forehead into his waffles.

"Someone been up too late last night?" asked Mr. Weasley.

"Harry's mourning," said Ron.

"Harry had a bad morning?" asked George as he and Fred walked in.

"Maybe if I stick my head in deep enough I won't be able to hear them any more," said Harry with his voice muffled by the waffles.

"Did you say you want seconds?" asked Mrs. Weasley as she walked over and piled some more on Harry's plate. It all just landed on Harry's head.

"Much better!" said Harry.

"Don't forget the syrup!" said Fred as he poured some on the waffles sitting on Harry's head.

"Now look at yourself!" said Hermione. "You're all decked out like some kind of pastry!"

"Pastries have whip cream!" said George as he layered some on Harry.

"And a cherry to top it all off!" said Fred as he set one on top.

"A culinary work of art!" said George.

"Too bad we can't eat it," said Ron.

Fred handed Ron a fork. "Enjoy!"


	4. Attack of the Syrup

Chapter Four

Attack of the Syrup

"Eight and three quarters, I'm _sure _that it's this one!" said Albus as he Severus and Tom walked through Kings Cross Station.

"Couldn't it be platform _nine _and three quarters?" said Severus. "The one that I've already seen like, ten other students go through?"

"It could be a trap," said Albus.

"Look, there goes another one!" said Severus as yet another student ran through the barrier between platforms nine and ten.

"I'd much rather run into a trap than another brick wall," said Tom as he rubbed his head injuries from previous attempts at other platforms.

"Now remember," said Albus, "we all have to run together. We'll go on the count of three. One, two, three!"

Albus pushed his cart as fast as he could at the barrier between platform eight and nine. Severus and Tom remained behind and watched Albus crash into a solid brick wall.

"I'm okay, I'm okay!" said Albus as he stood up.

"Let's try the one that everyone else is using now," said Severus.

"Good idea!" said Albus as he walked dizzily back to them.

Tom pushed his cart up to the barrier between platforms nine and ten, and effortlessly went through it.

"The wall ate him!" cried Albus. "It ate my only friend!"

"But what about me?" asked Severus.

"I'll get you, wall!" cried Albus as he charged it and went through.

"So the question becomes," said Severus to himself, "do I assume that they're goners, or should I go in after them? ... Oh what the heck!"

Severus pushed his cart through the barrier.

On the other side of the barrier, Tom and Albus were looking around the platform.

"Well I guess this is the right one!" Albus said as Severus came through the barrier.

Severus also looked around, and then said, "I told you!"

"Told me what?" asked Albus.

Tom ignored them and pushed his cart down the platform.

"Oh never mind!" said Severus as he caught up with Tom.

"Told me what?!" repeated Albus who was still standing next to the barrier. Tom and Severus kept walking. "What did you tell me?!" shouted Albus, who was starting to get stares from other students, before running after them.

* * *

Harry shook his head again, he still felt like he had syrup in his ears. And it didn't help that Ron had accidentally swallowed his glasses. 

"Come on Harry!" begged Hermione "Just one spell and your ears will feel cleaner than they have ever felt before."

"A little too clean if you ask me." said Harry

"Please Harry, I can't stand to see you shaking your head every five minutes!"

"No! I will not let you stick your wand in my ears!"

"I wouldn't have to stick my wand in your ears!"

"You wouldn't?" Harry asked. Hermione shook her head.

"Well... only if you can get Ron to let you do that spell that will get my glasses back." Harry said

"What spell?" Ron asked as he walked up.

"Fine." said Hermione. She then pointed her wand at Ron. "_Accio glasses_!"

Ron turned green. "I don't feel so good." He then threw up a pair of glassed that then flew over to Hermione.

Hermione stuffed the vomit-covered glasses into Harry's hand.

"That doesn't count," said Harry. "You didn't get Ron's consent first."

"Then I guess that I don't need it for you," said Hermione as she pointed her wand at Harry. "_Audio cleario_!"

Two jets of sticky syrup shot out of Harry's ears. The first jet hit Ron in the face.

"AHH!"

The second jet flew off and hit Severus on the back of the head.

"Who did this?!" cried Severus.

At that exact moment Malfoy had walked in front of Harry.

"You! The blonde one!" shouted Severus before tackling Malfoy.

"Oh boy!" said Tom. "More tackling!"

Tom jumped into the pile and was quickly joined by Albus.

"Get off me you little weasels!" cried Malfoy.

"Never!" shouted Severus. "Ten points from Slytherin!"'

"What are you talking about?" asked Tom before biting Malfoy's leg.

"I don't know," said Severus. "It just sort of came to me."

"What's a Sli-ther-in?" asked Albus.

"Get off of me!" shouted Malfoy again.

"Now, now son," said Lucius as he walked over, "what did you do to make these... children want to hurt you?"

"I don't know!" shouted Malfoy as he tried to stop Albus from ripping his ear off.

"Neither do we," said Tom.

Lucius sneered at Tom. "Then why don't you be off then?"

"But it's so much fun to cause chaos!" said Tom proudly. "That's what I want to do when I grow up."

"GO!" shouted Lucius.

Tom freaked out, pulled Severus and Albus off of Malfoy and quickly ran off.

"That was great!" said Ron who had been watching the whole thing. "I hope they're in Gryffindor so that they can beat up Malfoy for us."

"Or in Slytherin," suggested Harry, "so that they can beat up Malfoy and lose points for it too."

"You guys are terrible!" said Hermione. "Using little kids to beat up Malfoy?! That's not a fair match! How do you expect Malfoy to defend himself?!"

"Good point," said Ron. "Maybe we could include the Creevey brothers too so that Malfoy is completely overpowered!"

"The train's here!" said Harry.

"Umm... Harry?" asked Hermione. "The train was always here."

"I know, but I was using it to stop a potential fight."

"Good thinking Harry!" said Ron.

* * *

"All the compartments are taken," said Severus as he, Albus and Tom walked down the train. 

"I have an idea," said Tom slyly. He opened the nearest compartment and started screaming, "GET OUT GET OUT OR ELSE YOU WILL ALL DIE!!!"

The compartment was quickly emptied. Albus started jumping up and down clapping.

"Thank you! Thank you very much!" said Tom.

At that very moment, Harry, Ron and Hermione walked up.

"Hey look, an empty compartment!" said Ron as they ran in.

"Back off!" said Tom. "This compartment is ours!"

"Oh," said Harry, "it's _you _three."

"Likewise," said Severus.

"Good comeback!" said Albus.

"That _was_ good," said Ron.

"Thanks," said Severus. "It just seemed fitting somehow."

"That's not the point!" said Harry. "We got here first!"

"No you didn't!" said Tom.

"Maybe not, but we deserve it more than you!"

"What are you, famous or something?"

"As a matter of fact we are," said Ron proudly.

"Oh my gosh!" cried Albus. "I'm so honored to be in your presence! Can I have an autograph?"

"What? NO!" cried Hermione as she turned around. "Why don't we let them have this compartment and we can go sit with Neville.

"But Neville is probably going to get out his ugly plant thingy," protested Ron. "Last year it tried to eat Harry's owl!"

"As you know," said Hermione, "that was purely accidental."

Ron scoffed. "Harry, defend me here!"

"But I _love_ Neville's plant thingy!" said Harry.

"Oh no!" said Tom. "You can't hog the plant person to yourself! We'll go sit with Neville and _you _will sit in this empty compartment!"


	5. The Plant Thingy

Chapter Five

The Plant Thingy

"Oh my!" said Severus in Neville's compartment.

"Do you love it?" asked Neville.

"What is it?" asked Albus.

"It's called a Persian dung weed," said Neville matter of factly.

"Ooh!" said Tom. "What's it do?"

"It first sprouts on precisely the fifth of June at seven o'clock in the afternoon. It blooms from the months of August to November. Its nectar is rumored to be able to cure General Psychoses. And its roots can be ground into a powder and made into a potion that can cure cramps."

"Cool!" said Albus. "But what's it do?"

"Let me see," said Tom as he snatched it out of Neville's hands.

"Don't prod the stem!" cried Neville.

Tom prodded the stem. The plant shot a stream of nasty, putrid vile, black, liquid at Tom's face.

"COOL!" cried Albus as he poked the plant too and got squirted.

"Careful!" said Severus. "You might get some on my nice school robes."

Tom raised the plant to Severus' face and touched it to his long nose. The plant squirted at Severus.

"Eww!" cried Neville. "His hair is all greasy!"

"No, it was always like that," said Tom.

Albus poked the plant again. "I want to squirt some more!"

"Guys!" cried Neville. "You need to get this stuff off you as fast as possible! If you don't-"

"Blaw blaw blaw!" said Albus as he squirted the plant in Neville's face.

"AHH!"

"Oh don't be such a baby!" said Tom.

"You don't get it!" said Neville. "If this stuff dries out, we're all going to have major acne outbreaks!"

"Wait," said Tom, "you mean if this stuff dries out we're all going to have zits?"

"Yep," said Neville.

Albus started screaming. "I'm gonna die! I'm gonna die!!"

"Shut up!" cried Severus. "It isn't lethal!"

"It's lethal to my social life!" said Albus. "If I _had_ a social life!"

Harry came in. "Will you guys knock it off?! Hermione's having the hardest time trying to catch up on next term's study! (gasp) Are you poking it?!"

"Sorry to say that it's true," said Neville.

"Can I poke it too?!" asked Harry.

"NO!!!" shouted Neville.

Harry started poking the plant. "I'm poking it! I'm poking it!"

Ron burst in. "Can I poke it too?!"

By now the plant was nearly shriveled up from spraying so much.

"What have they done to you?!" Neville asked his plant.

Neville snatched the plant from Harry. He then took out a spray bottle and started spraying it.

"Maybe I can still save you!"

"Neville," said Albus as he opened a chocolate frog, "you are way too attached to that thing."

Severus took Albus' chocolate frog card.

"GIVE ME THE CARD BACK YOU BIG NOSED DOOFUS!!!"

"Okay!" said Severus quickly as he threw the card back at Albus.

"Hey Severus, the guy on this card has my same first name!"

"Ooh! let me see!" said Tom.

"Let me see too," said Severus.

"BACK OFF YOU GREASY HAIRED CARD STEALER!!!"

Severus leaped across the compartment.

"Hey he _does _have your first name!" said Tom.

"Who is it?" asked Harry.

"Albus Double-Door!" said Albus.

"Dumbledore?" asked Harry. "I use to know him."

"You did?" asked Albus. "Was he as stuck up as this card makes him out to be?"

"Stuck up?" asked Harry. "How dare you talk about Dumbledore like that!"

"Hey!" said Albus. "It's not like I _know_ him the way you do! I've never even heard of him since about ten seconds ago."

"Sorry," said Harry. "I'm just a little bit sensitive right now."

"Sensitive?" asked Tom.

"Harry's mourning," said Ron.

"He had a bad morning?" asked Severus.

Hermione ran in. "Will you guys shut up! And honestly Neville, did you honestly think that they _wouldn't_ try squirting your plant if you showed it to them?"

"I was very optimistic this year," said Neville.

"_Scourgify_," said Hermione as she waved her wand and made the plant liquid disappear.

"Do I have any zits?" asked Albus.

"Umm... no," said Harry.

"Hurray! My social life is saved! Now I just need to get one."

"We're here!" said Severus.

"Oh good!" said Albus. "I need to use the bathroom!"

"There's one on the train you know," said Neville.

"Have you seen that bathroom?!" asked Albus. "Because I haven't."


	6. Gothic Grippingdoor

Chapter Six

Gothic Grippingdoor

"Firs years! Firs years this way!" called Hagrid.

"Why should I listen to you?!" asked Tom "You-you big tall scary looking madman!"

"Hey!" said Hagrid. "I'm not _that _tall!"

"Where'd you go Tom?" asked Albus as he walked over and abruptly stopped at the sight of Hagrid. "Oh my gosh it's a freakishly tall guy!"

"There's four people to a boat," said Hagrid ignoring Albus.

"Boats?" asked Tom. "You're just taking us out into the lake to drown us aren't you?"

"You're not scared of a little water are you?" asked Severus.

"Me? No way! I'm just not on best of terms with it," said Tom.

"Tom's scared of the water! Tom's scared of the water!" shouted Albus.

"Knock it off!" shouted Tom. "You've never had a bad incident when you were a kid!"

"I don't recall having _any _incidents when I was a kid," said Severus. "In fact, I don't even remember being a kid."

"I was so young and immature!" said Albus.

"You're _still _young and immature!" said Tom. "But that's not the point, I'm not going on the boat!"

"Okay," said Albus. "You can ride in the carriages that are being pulled by the ugly, scary, dragon, horse, monster, death creatures!"

"On second thought," said Tom, "I love water! It's my best friend."

"I thought I was your best friend," said Albus.

"You're the only person I know!" said Tom.

"What about me?" asked Severus.

Tom ignored him. "Let's go!"

They all got seated in a boat.

"You need one more in yer boat," said Hagrid.

Another student sat in Tom, Albus, and Severus' boat. Tom gave the student a death stare.

"I-I think I'll just go s-sit in that boat over there!" said the student as he stood up to run off.

"Does your father happen to be an Auror named Phillip?" asked Severus.

"Yes he is as a matter of fact. How did you know?" asked _the student_.

"Just a lucky guess."

* * *

"Welcome to Hogwarts," said Professor McGonagall to the first years in the Entrance Hall. "In a few short moments you will pas through these doors to be sorted into one of four houses... Excuse me, who are you three?"

"I'm Tom," said Tom proudly. "This is Albus, and this is..."

"It's Severus," said Severus.

"Yeah, that's it."

"What's your last names?" asked McGonagall.

"We don't know," said Severus. "It's really inconvenient."

"How can you not know your own last names?"

"We don't know!" said Tom angrily. "That's why we came to Hogwarts in the first place!"

"Well pardon me!"

"Did you fart?" asked Albus.

McGonagall ignored him. "When you get sorted into your houses you will have points..."

"This is boring," said Tom. "Why did we go to this school?"

"Because it's highly recommended," said Albus reading the catalogue.

"Be quiet!" said Severus. "This point system is very fascinating."

"Points?" asked Albus excitedly. "You mean this is a big game? How do you win?"

"By being quiet and listening!" snapped Professor McGonagall.

"That's not very fun!"

"Well boo hoo!" said Severus.

Albus gasped. "I didn't mean to make you cry Severus! I'm so sorry!"

Tom smacked his forehead.

"We're ready for you now," said Professor McGonagall as she led the new students into the Great Hall.

"Wow!" shouted Albus. "This place is HUGE!"

The sorting hat shushed Albus.

"Oh my gosh!" cried Albus. "How do they make those candles float like that?"

"It's probably just an optical illusion," said Severus.

"Hello students!" said the sorting hat.

"Nice puppet hat," said Tom.

"Puppet?!" cried the hat. "I am an advanced neural, psychological, interface with built in adaptive placement algorithms! ...and a nice personality."

"It's a magic hat!" said Albus.

"A magic hat?" asked Tom. "I want to wear it first!"

"Not until I call your name!" snapped Professor McGonagall.

"Well start reading lady!" shouted Tom.

"FINE! Go up and be sorted for all I care!"

"Yeah!" said Tom as he ran up and put the hat on.

"Eww!" said the hat. "In all my years I have never seen such a rotten brain! Except for this one kid about fifty years ago."

"You're fifty?!" asked Tom.

"Actually I'm-"

"Blaw blaw blaw! What house am I in?"

"SLYTHERIN!"

"Oww! You could have warned me before shouting in my ear like that!"

"I felt that you needed a good shouting," said the hat proudly. "Next!"

"Phillip, Junior!" read Professor McGonagall from her list.

The student who had ridden with the trio in the boat walked up to the sorting hat.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

The Hufflepuff house cheered as the student sat down.

"Severus," read McGonagall.

Severus put the sorting hat on.

"Useless!" said the hat. "There's only one place for you. SLYTHERIN!"

"Hey!" shouted Malfoy. "The Slytherins are _not _useless! Put him in Hufflepuff!"

"Too late!" said the sorting hat. "Next!"

After several more students, Albus was finally called.

"Ooh!" said the hat. "You're the best student all night."

"Thank you," said Albus.

"GRYF-"

"No no! I want to go to Slytherin with my friends!"

"I don't say this much Albus, but you should get some new friends. Those Slytherins are all just a bunch of losers! That's what old Godric Gryffindor use to say."

"I don't care what Gothic Grippingdoor said!" shouted Albus. "I want to go to Slytherin!"

"GRYFFINDOR!"

"Hey!"

"Sorry Dumbledore," said the hat.

"What did you call me?" asked Albus.

"Next!"

Albus walked angrily down to the Gryffindor table.

"That has got to be the first student I've ever seen that _didn't _want to go to Gryffindor," said Ron.

"Indeed!" said Hermione. "Wait... That's the same kid that we saw in the Ministry, and again at Diagon Alley, and on the train too!"

"Just a coincidence," said Ron as he reached for a piece of chicken.

"I don't know," said Hermione. "There's something important about him, I just can't seem to put my foot on it."

"Hey Hermione," said Harry. "You're foot is on my chocolate frog card. It's a Dumbledore one."

Tom and Severus, along with the rest of the Slytherin house came into the Slytherin common room.

"Wow!" said Tom. "This place is awesome!"

"Indeed," said Severus as he looked around. "It seems just perfectly dark and evil. Wouldn't you say?"

"Yes! I wonder if all the houses are like this? Poor Albus doesn't like dark things. He's probably so sad right now."

* * *

_Meanwhile in the Gryffindor common room..._

"...and then the house elf says to the goblin, 'wait, that _is _a pie'" said Colin.

Albus started laughing. "That's the greatest joke ever!"

"But you didn't even tell the entire joke," said Ron. "All you said was 'And then the house elf says to the goblin, 'wait, that _is _a pie.''"

Albus started laughing again. "That joke never gets old!"

"See?" said Colin.

Ron slapped his forehead.

"I do love it here!" said Albus. "It's all bright and cheerful! I wonder if the other houses are like this? Poor Tom, he hates bright and cheerful things."

"Who is this Tom?" asked Ron.

"Oh just my best friend. We've both been trying to find our identities."

"You don't know who you are?" asked Colin.

"Do _you _know who I am?"

"No," said Ron.

"Then how am I supposed to know who I am?"


	7. A Dangerous Friendship

Chapter Seven

A Dangerous Friendship

"And then what happened?" Albus asked Tom and Severus at breakfast the next morning.

"Well then," continued Tom, "after we were able to stop Malfoy from burning, he got so mad at Severus that he screamed like a three year old and started kicking everything in sight."

Albus laughed. "I always knew that he would turn out like his father!"

"What are you even talking about?" asked Severus.

"I-I don't know," said Albus.

"Oh look," said Severus, "the owls have arrived. I hope that I get my copy of _The Daily Prophet_ that I've subscribed to."

An owl dropped a newspaper on Albus' cereal.

"Oh no!" cried Albus. "My Marshmallow Mateys are ruined! RUINED!"

"Don't act like a three year old now," said Severus as he took _The Daily Prophet_ out of Albus' cereal.

"Guess who died last month?" asked Severus as he read the paper.

"Who?" asked Tom.

"Voldemort."

"Voldemort?!" gasped Albus. "Why?! WHY?!!! He was so young! It wasn't his time! I should have died in his place!"

"_Voldemort was a Dark wizard who killed thousands and inflicted terror for years_," read Severus.

"Oh," said Albus. "Well... I didn't like him that much anyways."

"Sounds like my kind of person," said Tom.

Severus continued to read out loud. "_He-who-must-not-be-named (formally known as Tom Riddle) disappeared last month, in the department of Mysteries, along with Albus Dumbledore, and Severus Snape._"

"Did you hear what those peoples first names were?" asked Tom.

"Albus, Severus, and Tom," said Severus.

"Do you realize what this means?" asked Albus.

"Yes I do," said Tom. "Those people have our first names too."

"My thoughts exactly," said Severus.

BREAK

_Meanwhile across the room..._

"My thoughts exactly," said Ron.

"Umm Ron?" asked Hermione. "You just sat down and said 'my thoughts exactly.'"

"Exactly," said Ron.

Harry sat down. "My thoughts exactly... too"

Hermione slapped her forehead.

"Hermione," said Ron, "you could seriously injure yourself doing that!"

"Well in that case," said Hermione, "just being your friend is dangerous."

"Yeah," said Ron. "Wait!"

"So how is the funeral planning going?" asked Harry quickly.

"Not so good," said Ron. "No one really liked him and would rather celebrate."

"I'm talking about Dumbledore not Voldemort!" shouted Harry.

"Oh! Be more specific next time!"

Harry slapped his forehead.

"Now you're injuring yourself too!" said Ron. "Maybe I _am _dangerous! AHH!!"

Ron ran out of the room, knocking everyone over that was in his way.

"Watch out!" shouted Ron. "I'm dangerous!"

Ron crashed into Colin and sent him flying backwards into the Ravenclaw table.

"I think I was stabbed by a fork!" said Colin.

"NO!" shouted Ron as he ran off.

"Nope," said Colin, "it was just a pretzel."

"What a weirdo!" said Albus as Ron ran past him. "I'm glad that I'm not crazy."

"Excuse me Albus," said Neville.

"AHH!"

"No! Albus, it's me Neville!"

"That plant boy?"

"Sure."

"AHH!!!"

"Oh come on!" shouted Tom. "Even if Neville was trying to kill you, I would be able to stop him."

Severus laughed to himself. "Yes you could."

"I'm not afraid of Neville," said Albus. "Just his plant."

Neville looked down. "It didn't survive the train ride."

"Yeah!" shouted Albus. "I-I mean... oh, too bad."

Neville sniffled. "It's okay... because I got a new plant!"

Neville held his new plant up. Albus screamed.


	8. The New Defense Teacher

Chapter Eight

The New Defense Teacher

"Greetings students, I am your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. You can call me Professor... Phillip! Ha ha ha!"

"Okay, why did you just laugh evilly?" asked Tom.

"No reason," said Phillip.

"Aren't you an Auror?" asked Severus.

"Why yes I am as a matter of fact," said Phillip proudly.

"Hey dad!" said Phillip's son.

"Hey son!" said Phillip Junior's dad.

"Ahem!" said Tom.

"Oh yeah! Basically Professor McGonagall hired me because of the fantastic job I did at the ministry when Voldemort died."

Albus cheered.

"Even though that Voldemort is dead now," continued Phillip. "You might run into a jerk someday and it would be really good if you knew a few defense spells."

"Some offence spells wouldn't hurt either," mumbled Tom.

"So this year, we're going to focus on the three Ds of defense."

"Don't you mean the three Ds of Apparation?" asked Severus.

"Nope. The Ds of defense. We will split the term into three sections-"

"Don't you mean that _you _will split the term into three sections?" asked Tom. "I mean, I don't really think that you're going to need a bunch of first years to help you do the splitting."

"Who are you?" asked Phillip.

"Tom."

"That's it? Just Tom?"

"Well you're just Phillip."

"W-well-you see... umm... ten points from Slytherin,"

"For what?" asked Tom. "Disturbing the class?!"

"Hey! Umbridge can get away with it."

"Good point," said Severus.

"Shut up Severus!" snapped Tom.

"Yes master,"

"Could you guys be quiet?" asked Phillip. "I really want to tell you the three Ds. I spent almost five minutes coming up with them."

"Fine!" said Tom. "Tell us your Ds!"

"I can't now!"

"And why not?"

"You ruined the moment. I hope you're happy!"

"I am!"

"Good!"

"Yes, good!"

"Lunch time!" said Albus in a jolly way.

"What?" asked Tom.

Two seconds later the school bell rang. Albus jumped out of his seat and skipped toward the exit.

"Umm... class dismissed," said Phillip.

* * *

"Malfoy!" snapped Tom. "Get me a fork!"

"A fork?!" asked Malfoy who was trying to stop himself from laughing. "You already have one!"

"This is no good!" protested Tom. "It's made of aluminum! ALUMINUM!"

"Aluminum?" asked Severus interestedly.

"What am I supposed to do about it?" asked Malfoy.

"I know you have a collection."

Malfoy gasped. "I would never let you into my fork collection! Even if we were the last people on earth and I needed money and could only get it by selling you my fork collection!"

"If you were the last people on earth," said Severus, "I don't think you would even need money."

Tom's face turned a shade of purple that would scare even Uncle Vernon. "_Now you listen here you blond haired, rich brat from the land of putrid wealth and overrated ego, I happen to know all three unforgivable curses, and I have even invented a forth! If you think that your forks are too good for me... then I guess that you have a very low esteem for living!_"

"Sure!" said Malfoy quickly. "My stuff is your stuff, right?!"

"Yes," said Tom sinisterly. "Now get me my fork before I hit you with a flame curse!"

"Right away!" said Malfoy as he ran off.

"I had no idea that you were so sensitive about you forks," said Severus.

"No," said Tom. "I've just been waiting all day for an excuse to shout at Malfoy."

"That was quite impressive. I've never seen you like this before."

"Thank you! I've been practicing on my reflection. I figured that moving to Malfoy was the next step."

Albus ran up. "Hey guys! Did you see Malfoy? He looked whiter than a ghost. He was so white that he frightened Nearly Headless Ned!"

"I wonder what that might have been about?" asked Tom evilly.

"Maybe it was that woman who was yelling at him. At least it sounded like a woman, I didn't see the yeller."

Tom reached for his wand but stopped himself. "What's our next class?"

"Flying lessons," said Albus, "with Mad-man Hook."

"It's Madam Hooch," corrected Severus.

Albus looked at his class schedule. "And just when things started to make sense-"

"Albus," said Tom, "I don't think that you'll _ever_ make sense."


	9. Flying Lessons

Chapter Nine

Flying Lessons

Albus looked down nervously at the broom that was lying on the ground next to him.

"Are you sure it can't bite me?" he asked.

"Of course not!" said Severus, "They have to make the class safe, so that our parents won't sue them."

"But we don't even have parents!" said Tom. "What if they gave us the bad brooms?"

Severus just scoffed, but Albus looked even more nervously at his broom.

"Okay everyone!" said Madam Hooch, "I want you all to hold your hand over your broom and say 'UP!'"

Tom confidently said "UP!" and his broom came right to him. Albus who was still nervous couldn't get his to move, and it didn't help when Severus got smacked on the forehead by his.

Tom laughed. "How safe do you think the brooms are now?"

"Oh shut up!" said Severus giving Tom a dirty look, "You're scaring Albus!"

"Now that you all have your brooms, I want you to mount them." said Madam Hooch.

"Mount them?!" squeaked Albus.

"Don't worry, she'll probably just show us the proper way to mount the brooms, then give us a long boring lecture on safety rules to finish off the lesson." said Severus.

"The safest place to be while around a broom is on it," said Tom in a matter-of-factly tone of voice.

Albus screamed and quickly mounted his broom.

"I wonder why?" Albus asked himself.

"When I blow my whistle," continued Madam Hooch, "you will all take of, hover for a moment, and then touch back down."

"What?!" said Severus and Tom together.

"Oh joy!" said Albus excitedly. "I've always wanted to fly! But I never could stay up very long."

Tom and Severus rolled their eyes.

"Mrs. Hooch-" protested Tom.

"It's _Madam _Hooch to you!" snapped Madam Hooch.

"Whatever! I... er... I mean, _we_, don't know how to fly."

"That's why your here Tommy boy."

Tom drew his wand. "Don't you _dare _call me _Tommy boy_!"

"_Okay_..." said Madam Hooch. "How about just Tommy?"

"No!"

"How about Boy?"

"NO!"

"Hey! Don't shout at a teacher!"

"I'll shout at whoever I want!" shouted Tom.

"Detention!"

"What?!"

"It's really easy Tom!" said Albus on his broomstick twenty feet in the air. "You just kind of lean forwards and try not to barf. Uh-oh..."

Albus barfed all over Tom and Madam Hooch. Madam Hooch turned a shade of purple that would have frightened even Uncle Vernon.

"One hundred points from Slytherin! Detention! All three of you!"

"But what did I do?" protested Severus.

"You associate with _these _two!"

Severus opened his mouth to speak, but realized her logic and decided not to say anything.

* * *

"Albus you idiot!" shouted Tom as they sat down for dinner. 

"Hey!" said Albus. "I wasn't the one shouting at the teacher."

"Well at least I didn't barf all over the teacher!"

"Barf?" asked Albus. "Your insults are like... ten times worse than barf!"

"Can I say something?" asked Severus.

"You just did," said Tom.

"No guys," said Severus. "This is really bad. You see-"

"No one cares what you think!" shouted Albus.

"Okay," mumbled Severus to himself.

* * *

"Oh really Ron?" asked Harry. "Have you personally inspected all the owls?" 

"No," said Ron. "But think about it Harry. What are the odds that Dumbledore might be trapped inside an owl?"

"I'm just saying," said Harry as he put his hands in the air.

"Ron has a point Harry," said Hermione. "Even if Dumbledore magically appeared inside an owl, it would quickly burst."

"No one cares what you think Hermione!" shouted Ron.

"Just because you _don't _think, doesn't mean that you can make fun of people who _do_!" shouted Hermione.

"I can insult whoever I want!" said Ron.

"Gosh Ron! You're such a loser!" said Hermione before running out of the room crying.

"What did I do now?" Ron asked.

"I don't think I should get involved with this," said Harry.

"You _never _get involved when Hermione and I fight."

"I don't like taking sides!" said Harry. "It always makes the other person mad at me."

"Just tell me your opinion Harry," said Ron. "Please! I won't get mad."

"Okay. I think that you were way too mean to Hermione."

"What?! Taking _her _side?! Harry, you're a loser!" shouted Ron before running out of the room crying.

* * *

"Gosh Tom!" shouted Albus. "You're a loser!" 

"What's the matter Albus?" asked Tom. "Did wittle Albwus get inswulted by his bwest fwend?"

"Stop it!" shouted Albus.

"You're just mad because you know it's true."

"You're a meanie! I'd rather have detention... every day of my life than be your friend!"

"Wow Albus," said Tom. "We finally have something that we agree on."

Albus ran out of the room crying.


	10. The Three Ds

Chapter Ten

The Three Ds

"Detection, Deflection, and Dead on prevention," said Phillip proudly in Harry's Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

"You know technically," said Hermione, "that last one-"

"Yes I know!" shouted Phillip. "I couldn't think of anything else that started with D."

"Well there is this nice Latin word," said Hermione. "It's di-"

"Moving on!" said Phillip quickly. "For the first part of the term we will be focusing on Detection,"

"Yeah," said Ron dully.

"There are dark wizards all around the world!" said Phillip dramatically. "You never know where they are though! There could even be one sitting right behind you!"

Ron turned around and saw Neville sitting behind him. "I never would have guessed."

"You can't turn your back on them for even a moment!" continued Phillip. "Ron, turn around and face forwards."

Ron started to turn around but saw Neville bending over to get something. Ron screamed and turned back to Neville.

"What's wrong?" Neville asked.

"_You _know," said Ron.

"Umm... No I don't."

"Why don't you sit in the front of the class Mr. Weasley?" asked Phillip.

"But then they're _all _behind me!"

"The odds are pretty low that there is a dark wizard in this class right now," said Hermione. "And even if there was, they probably wouldn't want to kill you."

"But there's still a chance!" shouted Ron.

"Dude!" said Harry. "I seriously doubt that anyone here is a dark wizard."

"Okay Harry, if you say so," said Ron.

"You trust Harry more than me?!" Hermione asked.

"Hermione," said Ron, "this is _Harry_! You know, the chosen one."

"Good point," said Harry.

"Ha!" shouted Ron. "I made a good point! One point for Ron!"

"Ooh! One point," said Hermione sarcastically. "Look at Ron! He's a genius! He has one point! Let's not forget the hundreds of points that I make on a daily basis!"

"That's different Hermione," said Ron, "you _are _a genius! You're expected to make good points. If I make a good point, it's worth a celebration."

"So are you implying that stupid people should get more credit than smart people?"

"Basically."

"Well in that case, I bet you're going to make a _fine _Minister of Magic some day."

"Hey!" said Phillip. "The Minister of Magic makes good points all the time. At least once a week."

"That _is _good," said Ron. "I should strive to be more like the Minister."

"Even though he intentionally tries to discredit Harry and actively encourages Voldemort to try to take over?" asked Hermione.

"Good point Hermione," said Harry.

"Ha!" shouted Hermione. "My point cancels out your point Ron!"

"Foiled again!" said Ron.

Severus peeked into the class. "Did someone say foil?"

Albus burst in. "Did they say toil, as in, toil-et paper? Because I could really use some right now!"

Severus, along with the rest of the class, slapped their foreheads.

* * *

Albus, Severus and Tom walked slowly over to the Defense against the Dark Arts classroom for their detention. 

"He lives in the classroom?" Albus asked.

"All the teachers do," said Severus.

"They _all _live in the Defense against the Dark Arts class room?!" asked Albus in astonishment.

Tom opened his mouth to make a funny comment, but remembered that he wasn't friends with Albus anymore so he closed his mouth.

"These dark corridors always scare me at night," said Albus.

As they came up to the classroom door, it opened by itself.

"It's alive!" shouted Albus in alarm.

"_Come in,_" said a sinister voice from inside.

Albus, Severus and Tom froze. Phillip poked his head out.

"Ha! I scared you! You should have seen the look on your faces!"

"Listen punk!" said Tom angrily. "There's a reason that I'm in detention, and it would be most unfortunate if you should find out why."

"I thought it was because you yelled at Madam Hooch," said Albus.

Tom slapped his forehead.

"What will our unfair punishment be?" Severus asked.

"You will help me organize my office," replied Phillip.

"That sounds easy," said Albus.

Phillip led the trio into his office. Boxes and boxes were piled up to the ceiling. Random objects lay on the ground and every available surface. The room was absolutely and utterly filled with TONS of stuff.

"Basically I need all this stuff put somewhere organized and convenient," said Phillip. "Good luck! I'll be in the library if you need me."

Phillip walked out of the room.

The trio stood in awe at the grand enigma that lay before them.

"Well," said Albus cheerily as he reached for the first box, "this isn't gonna get done on it's own! _Whistle while you work! De-da-do-do-do... _I can't remember the rest."

Tom and Severus both looked at each other.

"Come on everyone!" shouted Albus. "Sing along! _Just a spoon full of sugar helps the polyjuice go down, the polyjuice go dooown, the polyjuice go down. Just a spoon full of sugar helps the polyjuice go down, in the most delightful way!_"

Tom and Severus both grumbled and started unpacking boxes.

After several hours of organizing Phillip's Dark Detectors, Chocolate Frog cards, bobblehead collection of every member of the Ministry of Magic, and the life-sized cardboard cut out of the Minister of Magic, they hadn't even gotten a fourth of the way done.

"Hey Severus," whispered Tom, "you know, I think Albus is out to get me."

Severus looked over at Albus who was trying to get his head out of a boot.

"What do you mean?" Severus asked.

"Do you remember today in transfiguration when we were trying to turn our pillows into bricks?"

"Distinctly," said Severus.

"Good. And do you remember when Albus '_accidentally_' nearly hit me with his spell?"

"Yes."

"I think he's trying to bump me off so that no one will be able to stop him from taking over the school."

"I never would have expected it," said Severus dully.

"You see?! That's how he wants it! I bet he's been plotting against us from the start! But you're on my side. Right?"

"Of course."

"Good, because I have a job for you."

"Ooh, how could I resist?"

"Oh shut up! Look I need you to spy on Albus for me."

"Albus seems to be the type who proudly announces what he's doing to the whole school."

"I want you to find out how he's going to take over the school, and then report back to me."

"Yes master." said Severus sarcastically "Just one question though-"

"Yes you can help him get his head out of the boot."

"No not that. Are you planning on taking over the school too?"

"Well duh! Anything Albus can do I can do too."

"_Okay_..."

Severus walked over to Albus and proceeded to yank the boot off of his head.

"I'm back!" shouted Albus.

"Indeed," said Severus.

"Goobers!"

"What?"

"Look, goobers."

Severus looked over at a book that said 'Goblins' on the front.

"That confirms it," said Severus.

"What?" Albus asked.

"Never mind. Look, Tom seems to think that you want to take over the school."

"That's a great idea!"

"That's not the point! Tom thinks that because you want to do it, which you don't, that he should too."

"That's terrible! We can't _both _take over the school! There's no way that I'm sharing it with _him_!"

"Well then," said Severus, "in order for you to be able to take over the school properly, we need to first stop Tom."

"Good idea! But how do we do that?"

"Tom thinks that I'm spying on you for him, so I'll just give him some wrong clues."

"You're a genius!"

"About what?" Tom asked from across the room.

"For... umm... helping him out of the boot!" said Severus quickly.

Just then Phillip walked back in. "I guess that you couldn't get it all done. Oh well, I'll just do it on my own."

"No need!" said Albus as he raised his wand and made everything unpack and organize itself.

"And why couldn't you have done that from the start?!" demanded Tom.

"Done what?" asked Albus stupidly.


	11. The Crusher

Chapter Eleven

The Crusher

The next morning at breakfast, Hermione walked up to Ron and slapped him.

"Ouch!" Ron said, "What was that for?!"

"Something that you'll probably do later today, but I'll be too upset to slap you then." Hermione said as she sat down, "Plus who else is going to give you your daily dose of abuse?"

"I could help you with that." said Ginny as she walked up.

"Now don't you start!" said Ron.

"Are we abusing Ron?" Malfoy asked excitedly.

"Sorry," said Hermione, "no jerks allowed."

"Well then Granger, I supposes you had better leave then," said Malfoy sinisterly.

"Hermione is not a jerk!" shouted Ron.

"Why thank you Ron," said Hermione.

"She's just crabby," finished Ron.

"And you wonder why I slap you?" Hermione asked angrily.

"There you are Malfoy!" shouted Tom.

Malfoy screamed and ran off.

"Come back here you coward before I curse you all the way to Rhode Island! Where ever the heck Rhode Island is."

"That was weird," said Ginny. "Malfoy running from a first year?"

"That's no ordinary first year," Harry said as he sat down. "It's that Tom kid."

"I wonder what he's going to go as for Halloween?" Ron asked.

"I don't think he even _knows _about Halloween," said Hermione. "Hey you! Albus!"

"What is it?" Albus asked from down the table.

"What are you going as for Halloween?"

"Who's Halloween? Is he a teacher?"

"See?" Hermione asked Ron and Harry.

"It would be rude not to tell him," said Harry.

"Tell me what?" Albus asked. "Is there a booger sticking out of my nose again?"

"Umm... No, don't you know what Halloween is?" asked Harry.

"I probably used to know, I just forgot."

"Ron you tell him."

"Albus there's this magical time of the year," Ron said as Albus sat down on the floor in front of him. "Where all the Hogwarts students dress up and come to the Great Hall for the greatest party ever! But the best part is the candy..." Ron trailed off.

"Tell me about the candy." asked Albus with a dreamy look on his face.

"Well there's lollipops and gumdrops, and peppermints, and pies and pudding, lemon drops, taffy, and swirly ice-cream, and caramel apples, and little chocolates in plastic wrappers-"

"Plastic?" Severus asked.

"-and tarts, liquorice wands, pumpkin pastries, cup cakes covered with frosting, chocolate frogs that tickle when you swallow them, every-flavored beans, fizzing whizbees, and... acid pops."

"And what about the costumes?" asked Albus.

"Well... there's vampires, and werewolves, and ghosts, and goblins, and dementors, and zombies. And if someone can't think of a costume they go as a muggle."

"Or they just glue feathers to their clothes," said Hermione.

"That was only once!" shouted Ron.

"Dementors?" asked Severus

"Yes, giant evil hooded monsters that like to suck your soul out," said Ginny.

"Heh heh heh... I could use some of these De-man-ters. Where can I get some?" asked Tom.

"You can't _get them, _they're all at Azkaban!" Hermione said, "And it's De-_men-_tors."

"Ats-kabam?!" said Albus.

"The wizard prison!" said Ron.

"Oh... well it still doesn't make sense." said Albus.

* * *

Albus walked into the Great Hall dressed as a plant. Severus walked up to him. 

"AHH! Oh, sorry Severus. Good costume!"

"I'm not wearing a costume!" replied Severus.

Tom walked up. He too wasn't dressed up.

"Oh look!" said Tom sinisterly. "It's Neville's plant thingy!"

"Ahh! Where?!" gasped Albus.

Tom laughed.

"Didn't you know?" asked Severus. "We don't wear costumes at the Halloween feast."

"Don't be silly Severus," said Tom, "this is how Albus _always _dresses."

"No it's not," said Albus. "Remember that one time I wore those school robes? Or the time that I wore them again? Or the other time that I wore them again. Or the time that they got lost in the wash and I didn't wear anything at all?"

"Don't remind me," said Tom dully. "So how's taking over the school going?"

"Wonderful!" said Albus proudly. "I just finished getting my bed back from Ron's homework."

"_That's just what he wants us to think_," whispered Tom to Severus. "That's really good, Albus. I myself have spent the whole week writing to key people with high authority."

* * *

_Meanwhile in the Ministry of Magic..._

The Minister sat at his desk and opened the top letter on a pile of letters.

_Dear Minister, make me Hogwarts' new Headmaster. Love Tom._

"I thought we had someone that filtered out joke letters!" said the Minister angrily.

* * *

_Meanwhile back at Hogwarts..._

"Look Tom," said Albus, "even if I knew what you were saying, I would still point out that your meager attempt to take Hogwarts is totally hopeless in contrast to my great plan!"

With that, Albus stormed off to the Gryffindor table.

"That nasty, evil, plotting, scheming, no-good, excuse for a human being!" said Albus.

"Hey Albus," said Colin, "you're getting your leaves in my soup."

"Oops, sorry."

Severus walked over.

"Why yes, Colin," said Albus quickly, "I _was _voted as the most popular person at Hogwarts! I have like, so many friends!"

"Umm... Albus?" asked Severus.

"What?!"

"What _have _you done so far to try to take Hogwarts?"

"Just what I said I did, Severus. I spent the last five hours trying to get Ron's homework off my bed."

"That doesn't seem like very much."

"That's because you've never seen Ron's homework!"

* * *

_Meanwhile in the Gryffindor common room..._

"That's it," said Ron, "good homework. Now just hop in the bag."

Ron's homework hissed angrily.

"No! Bad homework!"

Ron's homework leaped at Ron and bit his hand.

"Ahh! Paper cuts!"

* * *

_Meanwhile back at the Great Hall..._

"-and then after he holds potions class hostage," continued Severus to Tom, "he's going to demand a stick."

"A stick?" asked Tom.

"Yes! And with the stick he's going to hit people."

"Darn that's good!"

"So what are _you _going to do?" asked Severus.

"Me? I'm going to first catch a Thestral, then I'll ride it up to the Headmaster's office where I'll change the official records to show that I'm the Headmaster!"

* * *

"-and then," continued Severus to Albus, "after he destroys the greenhouse with the dragon, he's going to kidnap Harry Potter and demand a stick." 

"A stick?" asked Albus.

"Yes. And with the stick he will burn one end of it and use the charcoal to write his name in the official Headmaster records."

"That _is _good!"

"That's exactly why you need to focus on taking him out before he goes through with his plan."

* * *

"I think he wants to kill you!" said Severus to Tom. 

"Well then, I'll just have to kill him first!"

* * *

"I think Tom is hiring a goblin assassin!" said Severus to Albus. 

"Oh no!" shouted Albus. "Who's he going to kill?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

"Oh no! Poor Neville!"

* * *

"I think Albus is going to kill Neville in his plan," said Severus. 

"Of course!" said Tom. "With Neville out of the way there will be no one to take care of his plant thingy, and with the plant thingy out of the way he can begin his plan!"

* * *

"Tom is going to kill you with Neville's plant!" said Severus. 

"Wait," said Albus, "is that before or after he hires the goblin assassin?"

"He'll kill Neville to get to the plant to kill you with it!"

* * *

"Neville is really a goblin?!" gasped Tom. 

"Sad to say that it's true," said Severus.

"So Albus is going to hire Neville to kill himself so that he can get to the plant?!"

* * *

"And then after Tom kills Neville, he's going to burn down Hagrid's hut!" said Severus. 

"But why?" asked Albus.

"So that he gets in trouble and has to go to the Headmaster's office."

"And _that's _when he barfs in the Pensieve?!"

"Correct!"

* * *

"No wonder Ron's homework wanted to be in Albus' bed!" said Tom. "With Albus throwing up all the time in Hermione's Pensieve..." 

"Yes indeed!" said Severus.

* * *

"Wait!" said Albus. "_Tom _has a crush on Hermione?!" 

"I'm afraid to say that it's true," said Severus.

"But she's like, twenty years older than him!"

"What the heck?!" asked Hermione. "For your information I'm only... _not _twenty years older than him!"

"Okay nineteen then," said Albus. "Gosh!"

* * *

"Please stop now before you gross me out!" shouted Tom. 

"There's no way around it!" said Severus. "Albus is really Hermione in disguise!"

"But that's impossible!"

"Have you ever seen Albus and Hermione together in the same room?"

"Yes! Right now! Look!"

Across the room Hermione was shouting at Albus about something.

"Did I also mention that Hermione has an identical twin?"

* * *

"You have an identical twin, Hermione?!" asked Albus after Severus told him. 

"No!"

"No wonders Tom is so upset... he can't decide which Hermione he likes better."

Ron ran into the Great Hall. "Everyone run for your lives! It's hungry!"

Just behind Ron, his gigantic homework monster leaped out and started eating all the candy.

"This is just like that nightmare I had last night!" shouted Albus. "Except there were flying monkeys and Ron was their leader!"

"Don't worry," said Tom confidently, "I'll take care of it."

Tom walked up to the giant monster and shot a stunning spell at it. The monster roared angrily and turned on Tom.

"Okay, do worry!" said Tom as he was chased across the room.

"I'll stop it!" said Albus as he ran up to it and hit it with a flame curse.

The monster turned around and blew fire at Albus.

"Wow! Talk about atomic breath!"

The monster grabbed Albus and Tom in its giant claws made out of Divination homework.

"The only way you can kill it is if you work together!" shouted Colin who was hiding under the teacher's table.

"Never!" shouted Tom. "I'd rather be eaten alive!"

The monster raised Tom up to its mouth.

"On second thought," said Tom quickly, "hit it on the count of three Albus."

"Right-o! One, two, THREE!"

Tom shot the monster with a flame curse. Albus threw his wand to the side and just started punching it. From behind, Professor McGonagall hit the monster with bombardment spell. The monster exploded shooting burning pieces of paper all over the room.

"We did it!" shouted Albus.

"Whatever," said Professor McGonagall dully.

"We did it together!" said Tom.

"Yeah!" shouted Colin.

"Let's be friends again," said Tom.

"Yes!" said Albus. "But would you mind if I went out with Hermione's identical twin? I mean, you already have a crush on the first one so-"

"What?!" gasped Tom. "I thought that _you _were Hermione's twin?"

"You have a crush on me?" gasped Albus. "Sick!"

Albus and Tom looked at each other.

"SEVERUS?!!!" shouted them both together.


	12. Bones

Chapter Twelve

Bones

Tom and Albus walked into the Great Hall at breakfast the next morning, Severus was walking behind them a little ways.

"I'm glad that we're friends again Albus!" said Tom loudly as they sat down at the Slytherin table.

"And I'm glad that you don't have a crush on me anymore." said Albus.

"And I'm glad that you're not Hermione in disguise."

"So does this mean that you _do _have a crush on Hermione?!"

"Heck no! I don't want to go through _that _again!"

"Wait. You don't want to have to deal with Hermione again, which would imply that you've dated her before, or you don't want to deal with dating again, which would imply that you have dated before."

"I-I don't know... I must have dated before I lost my memory."

"You lost your memory!" shouted Albus, who then climbed up on the table and stated shouting again, "Hey! Has any of you seen Tom's memory? He lost it recently and can't find it. If you see it, or find it please tell him!"

Tom smacked his forehead. Severus chuckled.

"Oh shut up!" said Tom.

"You think everyone heard? Are you sure I don't need to tell them were to find you?" said Albus as he got off the table.

* * *

"Explain to me what we're doing in the dark forest again Hagrid?" asked Harry as he, Ron, and Hermione followed Hagrid through the forest. 

"Well Peeves made a little mess in the kitchen," said Hagrid, "and Professor McGonagall thinks it would be bes if the students don't find out what it is."

"That still doesn't answer my question," said Harry.

"Well I needed two prefects to help me carry it out and I figured you would like to come along too."

"Hagrid," said Ron, "the sack I'm holding is starting to wiggle."

"Oh no!" said Hagrid. "Give it a good beating would ya?"

Ron beat his sack with his hand. The sack made a terrible screech and then stopped.

"Oh my goodness!" shouted Hermione pointing at the path. "Look at all these bones!"

Severus poked his head out from behind a tree. "Bones?"

"Oh darn it Severus!" shouted Tom. "You ruined our cover!"

"Bones?!" gasped Albus. "Oh no! Those nasty bones ruined our lovely covers!"

Albus reached into his pocket and pulled out a white sheet. "Look at these stains! Oh wait... I made these this morning."

Tom cringed. "So what are you guys up to? Getting rid of that mess I convinced Peeves to take the rap for?"

"What?!" asked Harry.

"I seriously doubt that a first year could make a mess like that!" said Hermione.

"It was easy!" said Albus. "I just forgot to use the bathroom before I went to bed."

"Not the sheets you idiot!" shouted Tom.

"Bathroom?" asked Severus.

"Never mind tha," said Hagrid. "We need to find out where these bones came from."

"Where what?" asked Albus as he looked down at the ground. "AHH BONES! Quick, get some beetle stew!"

"What for?" asked Ron.

"I'm hungry."

"Eew!" said Tom. "Beetle stew?!"

"Actually it's quite good with a buttered roll and some chopped carrots," said Severus.

"You kids go back to Hogwarts!" shouted Harry.

"Hey!" said Tom. "_You're _not a prefect!"

"Tom," said Hermione. "Go back."

"Sure thing!" said Tom as he turned around and walked off.

Severus followed but Albus remained with a stupid look on his face.

"Albus?" asked Ron.

"Yes?"

"Shouldn't you be going?"

"What a fantastic idea!" said Albus as he remained where he was.

"GO!" shouted Ron.

"Sheesh!"

* * *

"Well that's just great!" said Tom angrily. "We're lost!" 

"No we aren't" said Albus. "I've seen that same tree five times now. We can't be lost."

"The trees look thinner off that way," said Severus pointing off in a direction.

"Don't be silly Sevi," said Tom. "Remember that time Albus got his head stuck in the soup cauldron? And do you remember what you said in order to make him pull it out?"

"The soup will wrinkle your face?"

"No! Before that."

"He's a goner?"

"Before that."

"The pain is going to get worse before it gets better?"

"Exactly! Clearly, as we go in the right direction, the forest will get thicker before it gets thinner. So we need to head into the thickest part first in order to guarantee that we're going in the right direction."

"Your logic evades me," said Severus dully.

"Don't turn Volcan on us!" protested Albus.

"_You_," shouted Severus, "have been watching too much Muggle television!"

"And _you_ must have watched a bit yourself to understand what I meant!" snapped Albus.

"Well _I'm _going to head into the thicker trees," said Tom.

"And _I'm _going to head into the thinner trees," said Severus.

"I'm tired," said Albus, "so I'll just go rest in that hut over there that looks suspiciously like Hagrid's.

Tom and Severus both slapped their foreheads.


	13. Holiday Homework

Chapter Thirteen

Holiday Homework

"Okay class!" said Phillip enthusiastically to the class. "Now we will be studying the art of _Deflection_. Now all of you get out your wands. I have a surprise for you!"

"I'm not in the mood for surprises," said Severus as he rubbed his forehead.

"Sorry to say it," said Phillip, "but almost anytime a wizard attacks you, it's gonna be a surprise."

"Unless you're dueling them," pointed out Hermione.

"Wait a minute," said Albus. "What are _you _doing here? And why is Harry, Ron, Neville and all the other students your age here too?"

"And why is there no one here that's our age?" asked Tom.

Everyone remained silent for a moment. Albus looked worried.

"Are you all about to attack us?" asked Albus.

"No Albus," said Harry, "this is just the wrong class."

"You all came to the wrong class?!" gasped Albus.

"Albus," said Tom quickly, "you're over complicating the situation. You see... All the older students were actually supposed to go to potions class but because there was a explosion involving Malfoy, a bad potion and a very disgruntled substitute teacher, they all were banned from ever playing Cricket again and so they had to attack the person who told them this, but because they didn't know any spells they went to the old creepy man in Hogsmeade to teach them but the old creepy man had fallen asleep so they instead came to Defense Against the Dark Arts because they were bored. See? Simple!"

"But how does that involve us?" asked Albus.

"Well you see," continued Tom, "after escaping from the forbidden forest with our lives we decided to go have lunch, but they were all out of your favorite moose liver pie so we-"

"Tom!" said Severus. "Stop!"

"But I haven't even gotten to the part about the banana, the phone and the toilet of truth!"

"Toilet?" asked Severus.

"Yes, well you see-"

"Why don't you three go outside and look for bugs?" asked Hermione.

"Bugs?" asked Severus.

"But we came here because flying lessons was canceled because of rain," said Albus.

Ron looked out the window. "It's not raining. It's not even cloudy."

Suddenly there was a flash of lightning and a thick downpour began.

* * *

There's one thing that I don't get," said Severus later that evening. "Why is it raining on Christmas eve?" 

"Because of that nasty Global Warming!" said Albus.

"Don't turn green on us!" protested Tom.

"Am I turning green?!" gasped Albus. "AHH! Quick someone give me some food coloring!"

Colin ran up and handed Albus some. Albus started drinking it.

"Easy Albus!" said Colin. "I need some of that for potions class!"

"What would you need food coloring for?" asked Tom.

"To make it look like I made my potion properly. I wish I had known this trick back when old Snape was still teaching."

"Snape?" asked Tom. "The guy who died along with Dumbledore and He-Who-Must-Have-A-Really-Long-Name?"

"One and the same," said Colin. "I have a picture of him."

Colin reached into his bags and pulled out of picture of Snape yelling at someone.

"What a grump!" said Severus. "I like him already!"

"Yeah," said Colin. "I also have a picture of Dumbledore, Voldemort and Harry."

Colin reached into his bag and pulled out a picture of Dumbledore, Voldemort and Harry all standing in front of a fire place.

"When was this taken?" asked Severus.

"Oh, last year," said Colin. "But they're all dead now."

"Harry isn't dead!" said Tom.

"He's dead to me! Ever since Dumbledore died he's been a big jerk!"

"I could kill him for you," said Tom.

"No no!" said Colin quickly.

"HE WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!" shouted Albus.

"Harry?" asked Colin.

"NO!" shouted Albus. "Ron's homework monster!"

Just then, a giant arm made out of transfiguration homework pulled the door to the Great Hall off its hinges. Then a giant terrible (and for some reason smelly) homework monster came through the opening.

"RON!" shouted Tom.

"Sorry," said Ron. "The holiday homework really piles up."

"Gosh!" shouted Tom as he drew his wand. "_Stupefy_!"

A red jet hit the homework monster.

"Luna!" shouted Tom. "Could you stop playing with your toy jets for a moment?!"

"Oops," said Luna as she summoned her toy flying jets. "Sorry."

"Now where was I?" asked Tom.

"Well," said Severus.

"Shut up!"

"Yes Master."

"I remember now," said Tom as he turned back to the homework monster that was trying to eat the Hufflepuff table. "_Avada-Kedavra_!"

A green blob of magic shot out of Tom's wand and hit the monster on the head. It gave a terrible cry and then exploded, sending bits of paper everywhere, giving all the Hufflepuff nasty paper cuts.

"TOM!" shouted Professor McGonagall. "We do _not _use unforgivable curses at Hogwarts! We don't use them _anywhere_!"

"It just sort of came to me," said Tom innocently.

"Fantastically done though!" said Phillip.

Professor McGonagall turned to Phillip and gave him one of her famous death stares.

"B-but a bit to strong for what the situation required!" said Phillip quickly. "I have always thought that the killing curse was a bit too overkill."

"You know Hermione," said Harry, "every time you enchant Ron's homework it never seems to be able to remember its goal of eating him."

"I know," said Hermione. "One of these days I'll get the enchantment right."

"Maybe you should tie him to the Hufflepuff table," said Harry jokingly as he nodded to the half eaten table.

"Tie who to the table?" asked Ron as he walked over.

"Umm... Albus!" said Harry quickly.

"Oh yeah!" said Ron in agreement. "I've realized something though. Albus lost his memory at the Ministry at the _exact _same time that Dumbledore disappeared."

"Are you implying what I think you are?!" gasped Hermione.

"Yes! Maybe Dumbledore lost his memory too!"

"That makes perfect sense!" gasped Harry.

"Just think," said Hermione, "He could be any old person out on the street and we wouldn't even know it!"

"Maybe we should put up posters," suggested Ron.

"That's a great idea!" said Harry. "We can hang them up in Hogsmeade. This weekend!"

"All we need now is someone who can draw Dumbledore really good," said Ron.

"I think Colin has some pictures of him," pointed out Hermione.

"Drawing is funner though," said Ron. "Let's go draw Dumbledore now!"

"Yeah!" said Harry as he and Ron ran off.


	14. The John in the Box

Chapter Fourteen

The John in the Box

"_I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas, just like the one I never knew... Where the tree tops sog, and toilets clog, because someone had to poo... I'm dreaming of a wet Christmas, just like the one that's here today... May you all be cheerless and fret... And may all your Christmases be wet!_" sang Tom on Christmas morning as he walked into the Great Hall while the heavy rain still battered the school.

"That has got to be the most depressing song I've ever heard!" said Ron.

"No," said Tom, "_this _is the most depressing song you ever heard. _Up at the gallows people cheer. Out comes the good old executioner..._"

"I'm sorry I asked," said Ron quickly as he turned and ran off.

"Hey Albus!" called Tom to Albus at the Gryffindor table. "What did you get for Christmas?"

"What did I get for what?" called Albus.

"Come over here!"

Albus ran over. "Now what's this about kickmas?"

"It's Christmas, Albus."

"It's Christmas?!" gasped Albus. "Why don't people tell me these things?!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Severus. "You always knew it was Christmas! Why else do you think you got us gifts?"

"For Kickmas," replied Albus stupidly.

"Alright Albus," said Tom, "what did you get for _Kickmas_?"

"I got a toy train, and a fire truck, and a roller coaster, and a John in the box, and-"

"It's _Jack _in the box," corrected Severus.

"Jack got stuck in a box?!" gasped Albus.

"Oh great!" said Tom to himself.

"Great?!" gasped Albus. "Jack could be dying as we speak and you think that's great?!"

"So what did you get, Tom?" asked Severus quickly.

"Me?" asked Tom. "I got an ugly black rock! Malfoy says it's called coal."

"Coal?" asked Severus.

"I'm gonna need a crowbar!" shouted Albus as he ran across the room holding his Jack in the box.

"Malfoy says that Santa gives coal to all the bad children," continued Tom. "Whoever the hack Santa is."

"I think he's some kind of magical creature," said Severus. "With the head of a human and the body of a- No no Albus! Just turn the crank on the side... Other way!"

Albus turned the crank until the music stopped. Suddenly a toy clown popped out. Albus screamed and closed the box. Then he started turning the crank again.

"What I want to know," said Tom, "is why this Santa seems to think I'm bad. I'm not bad."

"Of course not," said Severus sarcastically. "You're a roll model for us all."

For the fifth time, the clown popped out of the box. Albus screamed once again and closed the box, and started cranking it. Colin sat down behind him.

"What're you up to?" asked Colin in his normal hyper voice.

"I'm looking for Jack," replied Albus.

The clown popped out of the box again. Albus and Colin screamed.

"They're so easily amused," said Severus dully.

"You never told me what you got," demanded Tom.

"Oh you know... just some quills and parchment... and some vegetable oil."

"Quills and parchment?!" gasped Tom. "Those are such boring things! I think coal is much cooler. I'm gonna burn it and hide it under Malfoy's pillow."

"He'll never see it coming."

By now, most of the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs were standing behind Albus, screaming every time the box popped open. The Ravenclaws thought the whole thing was stupid and the Slytherins hated the Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs so they stayed behind, but looked up occasionally.

"But still, Severus..." continued Tom. "Quills and parchment?!"

"I like writing," said Severus.

"Your a nerd that's what you are!" Tom stood up on his chair. "Hey everyone, Severus is a nerd!"

All the Hufflepuffs cheered, everyone else ignored him.

"You know what?" asked Severus. "I don't need you insulting me! I think I'll go do some writing right now!"

Severus stormed out of the room.

"Now who am I going to talk to?" asked Tom.

By now, some of the teachers were peering over the ever-growing crowd to see what they were all interested in.

* * *

"Maybe this time," said Albus as he turned the crank again and saw the clown pop out. "AHH! Nope." 

"What are you looking for?" asked Neville.

"Jack," replied Albus. "He's stuck in this box somewhere but this stupid clown keeps getting in my way."

"You know," said Hermione, "the _clown _is Jack."

"What?" asked Albus.

"The clown, its name is Jack. That's why it's called a Jack in the box."

Albus stared blankly for a few seconds. "Well there goes my whole morning!"

Hermione, along with everyone else, slapped their foreheads. The slapping sound was so loud that it shattered Albus' half moon glasses.

"_Oculus-repairo,_" said Albus pointing at his glasses.

They instantly fixed.

How did you know that charm?" asked Hermione. "Harry still hasn't mastered it."

"Well when you're as old as I am, you tend to have these things down," said Albus proudly.

"Dude!" said Ron. "You're eleven! When I was eleven I couldn't even read properly."

"You _still _can't read properly!" said Hermione.

"Are you referring to that one time in transfiguration?" asked Ron.

"All that I know is that it said _Hardow _and you read _Hairdo_!"

"Don't even go there!" shouted Ron. "Even Professor McGonagall made that mistake!"

"She was being sarcastic! That's why everyone giggled!"

"Yeah-well... umm... give me a few days and I'll come up with a reasonable come back."

"Ha! You can't even come up with come backs!"

Ron screamed and ran out of the room.

"Glad that's over!" said Albus right before his Jack in the box popped open. "AHH!"

* * *

"No Harry!" shouted Hermione. "I would _not _know how to contact Santa!" 

"But Hermione," protested Harry, "you know _everything_! And besides, if we could talk to Santa I bet he would be able to track Dumbledore."

"He knows where everyone is!" said Ron dreamily as he walked over to them.

"No!" said Hermione. "If you want to contact Santa then you'll have to do it yourself!"

"We can't do that!" shouted Ron. "We're hopeless without you. We can't do anything without you."

"Too bad!"

Severus walked up to Harry. "So Potter! You need Miss Granger to help you with everything huh?! I bet that's how you got such a good potions grade in you're O.W.L.!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Harry.

Severus shook his head. "I-I don't know. I just suddenly had the overpowering urge to yell at you."

"Maybe you've been inhabited by Snape's ghost," said Ron. "and if you have then could you tell us where Dumbledore is?"

Severus shook his head again. "Dumble... Albus... Library."

"To the library Ron!" shouted Harry.


	15. The Science of Magic

AN: You don't need to be smart to make people think you are. You just need to know some big words.

* * *

Chapter Fifteen

The Science of Magic

"Ooh!" said Tom to Albus in the library. "This book talks about gardening."

"Lame!" said Albus as he pulled it out of the shelf and threw it at the wall.

Tom moved on to the next book. "This one is about potions."

"Dull!" shouted Albus as he tore it from the shelf.

"This one is about the mathematical structure of the universe."

"No pictures!"

"What are you guys doing?!" asked Harry as he and Ron ran in.

Albus and Tom both looked at each other. "We don't know."

"Well have you seen an old wizened wizard with a long beard and half moon glasses?" asked Ron.

"Nope!" said Tom. "But that librarian sure looks suspicious."

"The librarian's a girl," said Harry.

"So?" asked Albus.

"Are you implying that during transition inside the blue explosion that Dumbledore somehow..."

"Yep!" said Tom. "Whatever the heck you're talking about."

"I'd hate to think what that would mean for Voldemort," said Harry.

"You know Harry," said Tom, "the only person here who has half moon glasses is Albus. But he sure isn't a wizened old wizard."

"Quidditch?" asked Albus as he pulled the next book off the shelf and then threw it.

"Hey!" shouted Harry. "That's my favorite book!"

Albus looked stupidly at the Quidditch book now lying on the floor. "What's a Quidditch?"

Harry ran across the room to the book. Ron looked around puzzled.

"I guess that Snape's ghost was lying."

"And if you think about it," said Severus as he poked his head into the room, "if Snape _were _dead then it would mean that Dumbledore was dead too."

"But what if," began Ron, "that the electromagnetic signature of Snape's body remained behind while his atoms were destroyed and so the only way he could talk to people is by using their atoms."

"So are you saying that we might be able to detect Snape using an electromagnetic scanner?" asked Harry.

"No way," said Severus. "The magical interference would be way to great."

"Woah!" said Tom. "This conversation just went five levels above my comprehension!"

"Well you never really did understand the true nature of magic Tom," said Albus.

"Look who's talking Mr. Gets-his-face-stuck-in-everything!" snapped Tom.

"But what if you used a magic flow field compensater?" said Harry to Severus.

"I'll have you know," said Albus to Tom, "that it's been three weeks since I last got my face stuck in something."

"That might work," said Ron, "but the compensation might disrupt Snape's electromagnetic field."

"Not if we use a tacyon wave to penalize the field," said Severus.

"Well how long has it been since you got your whole head stuck in something?" asked Tom.

Albus looked at the floor. "Four hours."

"But tacyons are hard to generate," said Ron.

"Not if we just use a supernova," said Severus.

"How long has it been since you've had _any _part of yourself stuck in something?" asked Tom.

Albus raised his arm that was now stuck in a _Monster Book of Monsters_.

"And where do expect us to just find a supernova, Severus?" asked Ron.

"We could make an artificial one," said Severus.

"Oh!" said Harry. "And I bet you could just whip us up a potion that does that!" said Harry.

"Yes yes!" said Albus. "I might not be the brightest of bulbs, but neither are you, Tom!"

"Me?" asked Tom. "I'm a genus! I'm surprised the teachers haven't given me extra classes because I'm so smart!"

"Have any of you guys heard of a space collapsing spell?" asked Severus.

"That's a hard spell though," said Ron. "We're talking Hermione level hard."

"I'm sure that Hermione would be just as eager to find Dumbledore as we are," said Harry.

"You smart?" asked Albus half laughing. "_You _couldn't even levitate your pillow in charms last week!"

"You know darn right that that was because you kept poking me!" snapped Tom.

"I hate to break it to you Harry," said Ron, "but I think Hermione's given up on Dumbledore."

Harry gasped. "How are we going to make a space collapsing spell now?"

"A space collapsing spell?" asked Albus. "If you want to see Snape's ghost then all you have to do is make a spirit summoning charm."

"There's no such thing!" said Severus.

"That's what the Ministry wants you to think," said Albus. "I have personally spent over twenty three years studying the subject."

"You're not even twenty-three years old Albus!" said Ron.

"Who cares!" said Albus. "I've been looking for an excuse to use it."

The librarian walked over and looked at all the books lying on the floor. "Look what you've done!" shouted the librarian angrily.

"Having an educational conversation?" asked Ron. "I see no harm in that."

* * *

Three minutes later, Tom, Albus, Severus, Harry and Ron were sitting on the ground outside the library with their backsides hurting. 

"Man that librarian sure packs a punch!" said Tom as he rubbed is aching backside.

"More like a kick!" said Severus.

"Cheer up guys!" said Albus. "There's always a cloud to every silver lining!"

"Silver?" asked Severus.

"What was the silver lining?" asked Ron.

"Well, I don't know." said Albus.

"Now what was that spell you were talking about?" asked Harry.

"What spell?" asked Albus stupidly.

"I tell you," said Tom, "my forehead is starting to hurt from slapping it so much."

"I notice that people do that a lot these days," said Ron.

"Well instead of slapping your forehead, you should slap something else," said Albus.

Tom slapped Albus on the forehead.

"Never mind!"

"No no!" said Ron. "I like this arrangement. It'll make you think twice."

Malfoy ran up to them. "Hey guys look out! The librarian seems really cranky for some reason!"

Everyone slapped Malfoy's forehead. Malfoy ran away screaming.


	16. The Summoning Spell

Chapter Sixteen

The Summoning Spell

Tom was walking down the hall one day when he noticed Albus picking his nose.

"Hunting for gold nuggets Albus?" asked Tom.

"That's gold that I've been eating?" asked Albus.

Tom slapped Albus.

"That's starting to catch on I've noticed," said Albus. "Why just this morning I was slapped by both the Creevey brothers."

Severus poked his head out from behind a corner. "Gold?"

"Yep!" said Albus proudly. "And it's ripe for the picking!"

Severus slapped Albus on the forehead.

* * *

"Now you're all probably wondering why I've called you here today for," said Albus to Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Tom. (Severus was using the bathroom) 

"We know why you've called us here for!" said Harry.

"Why?" asked Albus.

"I have a better question," said Ron. "Why are we in the owlery?"

A large owl pooped on Albus' robes. "Excellent question!" said Albus. "I like it up here it helps me think."

"You, think?" asked Tom.

"Yes!" said Albus. "Now Harry, did you bring the dead newt? You can't have a spirit summoning spell without it."

"I have it right here," said Harry, "but what's it for?"

"I like the way it looks," said Albus Jollily.

Hermione yawned. "This is idiotic!"

Albus ignored her. "Well... we're all ready. You just need to tell me who you're summoning."

"Dumbledore," said Harry quickly.

"Might I point out though," said Albus, "that if the person you're summoning happens to still be alive there will be gruesome side effects."

"Snape then," said Ron.

"Okay!" said Albus as he drew his wand. "_Wooka-Dooka-Allo-Pollo-Snape-o-Dape-o-spirit-_something something_-come-a-wum-a-now-a_!"

"That's the dumbest spell I've ever heard!" snapped Hermione. "And I've heard Ron do some pretty stupid ones too!"

Suddenly there was a bright flash of blue light in the middle of the room and the transparent ghost of Snape appeared.

"This is so cool!" shouted Albus.

"What-what?!" asked the floating Snape. "Potter! what have you done this time?!"

"I didn't do this!" said Harry quickly. "Albus did."

"Albus Dumbledore?" asked Snape.

"No," said Ron. "Albus... Albus!"

"What kind of name is Albus Albus?" asked the floating Snape.

"Woah!" said Albus. "You look just like Nearlyheadless Nick! Except you're not nearly headless, and you're face is different."

"What have you done?!" demanded Snape.

"And you're meaner too!" said Albus.

"Quick Snape," said Harry, "what was the last thing you remembered before being here?"

"I was at the ministry," said Snape. "As I recall, I had a nasty cramp."

"I had a cramp once," said Albus. "It hurt like crazy!"

"What were you holding when you disappeared?" asked Harry.

Snape was starting to disappear now. "It was the S-"

Snape vanished.

"Whew," said Albus. "Much better!"

"Did you make him disappear?" asked Harry.

"He was getting grumpy," said Albus.

"BRING HIM BACK!" shouted Harry.

"Sorry," said Albus. "You have to wait at least ten thousand years before you can summon the same spirit again."

"Then summon Voldemort!" shouted Ron.

"But he's an even _bigger _grump!"

Harry started strangling Albus.

"Harry!" shouted Hermione. "Don't kill a first year!"

"If you kill him he wont be able to bring Voldemort back!" shouted Ron.

"Kill him! Kill him!" yelled Tom.

Harry took a breath and released Albus.

"Now if only there was a way to make _you _disappear!" said Albus to Harry.

"Hey guys," said Severus groggily as he walked in.

Harry and Ron gasped. Hermione nearly fainted. Tom grinned evilly.

"I had the funniest dream," said Severus as he walked drunkenly over.

Severus had an arm sticking out of his nose. An eye on his chin and his mouth was nowhere to be seen.

"That is so cool!" laughed Albus.

"What on earth happened to you?!" gasped Hermione.

"I think it was the toilet I used," said Severus as he tried to sit down.

"I can fix that!" said Albus. "I think I can. Oh wait, maybe not. It might just make things worse... Oh well." Albus drew his wand.

"No no!" said Severus. "I think I'll just go to the hospital wing."

Severus limped out of the room.

"That was random," said Ron. "Do you suspect that it might be related to the summoning spell?"

"No way!" said Harry.

"Quite right," said Ron.

"Indeed!"


	17. The SuperDuper New Years Eve Party

Chapter Seventeen

The Super-Duper New Years Eve Party

"Does Dumbledore have a mustache?" asked Ron as he and Harry sat at a table in the Gryffindor common room, looking over some of the pictures they had drawn.

"I guess so," said Harry. "It seems to blend with his beard though."

Albus emerged from the boy's dormitory and stretched his arms in the air. Then he fell face forward and tumbled down the stairs.

"Ouch!" said Albus. "Not again!"

"Wouldn't it be easier if you stretched right next to your bed," said Colin, "instead of leaving the dormitory first?"

"That's madness!" yelled Albus.

"Albus," said Ron, "I used to have the same problem as you."

"What do you mean?" asked Albus.

"I use to be a klutz too. But then after years of practice, I am no longer one."

Hermione, who was doing her homework nearby, broke out laughing. "You probably should work on it a little longer!"

"Oh har har har," said Ron sarcastically.

"All I know is," said Hermione, "that we were in potions last month and a certain someone tripped and spilled swelling potion all over their face."

"Malfoy tripped me!" shouted Ron.

"That's impossible Ron," said Hermione. "Malfoy was in the hospital wing because he had a headache.

"Okay," said Albus, "Even if I knew what klutz means, I would still insist that I'm not one. My only problem is, that I can't keep my balance and stretch my arms at the top of the stairs... and I trip a lot... and I walk into walls... and I spill things on myself... and-"

"We get it!" yelled Harry.

"How about this picture Harry?" asked Ron quickly.

"We can't use that one. It looks like Dumbledore is sneezing."

"That's his beard."

"Coming out his nose?"

Ron looked back at the picture. "That does seem a bit odd."

Albus looked at the picture. "That looks just like me sneezing milk out of my nose."

Albus stood up and accidentally stepped into a roller skate. He slid across the room towards the fire place. At the last second, Hermione put an _embolus _spell on Albus and made him stop. Suddenly there was an explosion. The fireplace was blown to bits.

"Cool!" said Ron.

"If you had kept going," said Hermione in horror, "you could've been in that explosion!"

"But who would want Albus dead?" asked Ron.

Harry had fallen asleep.

"Since you saved my life Hermione, does that mean I have to be your slave forever?" asked Albus.

"No!" said Ron. "Just until you save _her _life."

Harry snorted and looked up. "Who died?"

"Albus almost did," said Ron.

"Albus Dumbledore?!" gasped Harry.

"No!" said Ron. "Albus Albus!"

* * *

"And then, the fireplace EXPLODED!" said Albus to Tom and Severus (who had recovered enough to go back to classes) the next day at breakfast. 

"What do you mean?" asked Severus. "Did it collapse? Did it send shrapnel?"

"Did it kill anyone?" asked Tom evilly.

"It almost killed me!" said Albus.

"Darn!" snapped Tom. "I-I mean-Darn that you came so close to dying... _without going the rest of the way_."

"What was that last part?" asked Severus.

"NOTHING!" screamed Tom.

"Anyways," continued Albus. "Professor McGallywally is very upset about it and suspects that it was one of Fred and George's fireworks."

"Unlikely," said Severus. "A firework is used to create light and color, not fireplace bursting explosions."

"Severus," said Tom, "even if I knew what you were talking about in your mumbo-jumbo-science talk, I would still think that you're a NERD!"

"Noted," said Severus as he opened a copy of _The Daily Prophet_.

"Do you suspect that someone was trying to kill me?" asked Albus.

"Nonsense!" shouted Tom as he quickly put his wand away. "So are you coming to the party tonight?"

"Oh boy!" said Albus. "What's it for?"

Tom considered telling Albus what it was, but then realized that the prospect of a new year might freak him out. "It's just a random party."

"Well I'll _have _to go now!" said Albus excitedly.

Tom thought quickly. "Umm... It's a knitting party. You might not like it. You know... yarn and stuff."

"Yarn?" asked Severus.

"I love knitting!" shouted Albus. "I'll bring my crochets."

Tom groaned in defeat.

* * *

Albus was walking down a hall later that day, holding some plant samples for Professor Sprout when he heard someone talking around the corner. 

"Are the plans all ready?" whispered the person.

"Everything's going to plan," said a second voice.

The first person laughed evilly. "At the stroke of midnight and during the balloon drop... Albus shall die! Ha ha ha! And no more screw ups! Got it?!"

"Sure thing boss."

Albus turned all pale, turned around, and bolted away, dropping plants along the way.

* * *

"Welcome to the new year's party!" announced Professor McGonagall. 

Everyone cheered.

"I'm telling you Tom," said Albus nervously, "someone's going to kill me!"

Tom laughed. "You've been reading too many Steven King novels."

"Who is-?"

"Never mind! Now when did they say they were going to do it?"

"At midnight during the balloon drop."

"So you're going to stay right where they want you to be?"

Albus gasped. "You're a genius Tom! I'll go hide in the Gryffindor common room."

Tom chuckled to himself. "_Very good_."

* * *

"You look sad Harry," said Hermione. 

"The New Year's party was Dumbledore's favorite," said Harry sadly.

"Gosh Harry!" shouted Hermione. "Ever since Dumbledore died you've been in a constant bad mood! Snap out of it!"

Hermione slapped Harry.

"Well maybe Dumbledore isn't dead!" shouted Harry. "Did you think of that Hermione?!"

Harry slapped Hermione.

"You're only hurting yourself by looking for him!" shouted Hermione before slapping Harry again.

"And _you've _given up to easily!" shouted Harry as he once again slapped Hermione.

"You're a real loser Harry!"

Slap.

"You're hopeless Hermione!"

Slap.

"Gerr!"

After that Harry and Hermione started slapping each other back and forth. Ron jumped between them and pushed them apart.

"No slapping during a party!" shouted Ron.

Harry and Hermione froze and noticed that everyone was looking at them.

"Take it out of the room!" said Ron.

"No! Stay!" shouted Tom. "This is the best party I've ever been to! Hey you!"

Tom punched Phillip Jr. who was standing next to him. Phillip Jr. rolled up his sleeves and threw a punch at Tom but Tom ducked and Phillip Jr.'s hand met with Malfoy's chest. Malfoy slowly looked down at Phillip Jr..

"Oh boy!" said Tom. "More tackling!"

Tom jumped on another student. Malfoy raised his fist but suddenly all the Hufflepuffs came to help Phillip Jr.. Meanwhile, Harry and Hermione had resumed slapping each other.

After that, total chaos broke out. Everyone was attacking everyone else. Professor McGonagall had given up on stopping the fighting and was now having large helpings of butterbeer.

Suddenly the giant clock that hung in the Great Hall (yes there is a giant clock in the Great Hall) started chiming midnight.

"Happy new year Tom!" shouted Albus.

"Hey!" said Tom as he tried to stop another student from biting his ear. "I thought you were hiding in Gryffindor tower away from all the witnesses-I-I mean party."

"That got boring real fast Tom."

Suddenly there was the sound of string being untied. The balloons started to drop.

"Yeah!" said Albus as they rained down.

The music played loudly. Students all around were punching each other. Strobe lights were flashing. Balloons... everywhere! Not to mention the sound of someone saying, "_Avada Kedavra_!"

A green jet of light shot at the oblivious Albus. Albus suddenly bent over to pick up a balloon. The jet shot over Albus' head, missing by inches, and then hit Professor McGonagall's butterbeer mug which exploded in her hand.

Harry noticed the green jet and looked over to the entrance to see who had sent it. Someone slipped out the door. Harry followed.


	18. The Awesome Amazing Award

Chapter Eighteen

The Awesome Amazing Award

Harry ducked and dodged his way through the crowd. The person at the door was gone when Harry finally got there.

"How strange."

"I know," said Ron as he walked over. "This slug dip had funny lumps in it."

"That's the slugs Ron."

Ron started turning green.

"The-the artificial slugs," said Harry quickly.

Ron's face turned back to normal.

"Who was that?" asked Hermione as she came over.

"Who?" asked Ron.

"The guy that tried to kill Albus, Ron!" said Hermione.

"Someone tried to kill Albus?!" gasped Ron. "But no one wants to kill Albus. Well except for that kid that Albus spilled the chili on who said '_I'll kill you_'."

"That is strange," said Harry.

"Not at all," said Ron. "If someone had spilled chili on my robes I'd want them dead too."

"Who was the student?" asked Hermione.

"Just Phillip Jr.," said Ron. "Come to think of it, Phillip Jr. doesn't seem like the type who would kill someone."

Albus ran up to Harry. "Have you seen those funny lumps in the slug dip?"

Harry, Ron and Hermione all slapped Albus' forehead.

"Wha!"

* * *

A few days later, Tom told Albus what had happened at the party. 

"A _new _year?!" gasped Albus. "But what about the old one?"

"It's gone," said Severus.

"Aww! I didn't even have enough time to say goodbye!"

Tom and Severus raised their hands to slap Albus' forehead.

"NEVER MIND!"

"And did you also hear?" asked Tom. "Someone tried to kill you."

"Oh yeah," said Albus casually. "I have tons of enemies."

"They tried to _kill _you!" said Severus.

"Yeah they say that all the time!" said Albus.

"Do you remember the bird in class last week that hit the window and didn't move anymore?"

Albus remained motionless for two seconds. Then he started screaming at the top of his lungs.

"_Silencio_!" said Tom while pointing his wand at Albus.

Albus grabbed at his throat but no sound came out.

"Who do you suspect it would be?" asked Severus to Tom.

Tom grinned evilly. "No idea."

Severus gave Tom a stern look. "You _know _something don't you!"

Tom giggled. "No actually."

"Don't give me that!"

"No seriously!" said Tom. "I have no idea what's going on! I just think it's funny that I didn't come up with it first."

Severus looked at Tom sternly for a few seconds longer. "Fine."

"Good!" said Tom as he pointed his wand at Albus. "_Un-Silencio_."

Albus had continued talking after being silenced. "-and I think Severus would look good in a dress but no one will ever know that because they can't hear..."

"Really?" asked Severus.

"You weren't supposed to hear that!" shouted Albus.

"Why don't you and Albus go play dress up now," said Tom. "I'm off to some very important things that I've been putting off that you can't be a part of because it's secret."

Severus gave Tom a stern look again.

"Will you cut that out?! That's almost as freaky as your sneers!"

"I don't sneer!" said Severus with a sneer.

Albus gasped. "That makes you look just like Professor Snape!"

"The dead guy?" asked Severus. "You didn't even know him!"

"I saw his ghost dummy!"

"A ghost dummy?" asked Tom.

Albus slapped Tom's forehead.

"That's not funny!"

* * *

"But what if, Hermione?" asked Harry in the Great Hall. 

"NO!" shouted Hermione. "I've told you a thousand times! Dumbledore is NEVER coming back!"

"But-"

"No! Where would he be this whole time? How would he get around without someone recognizing him? And lastly, if Dumbledore were still alive then it would mean that Voldemort was alive too and I haven't seen _him_ causing any trouble."

Just then Filch ran by. "Darn that Tom kid! Always making messes!"

"Alright Hermione," said Harry. "Why don't you put your mouth where your money is? Wait..."

"I don't think Hermione should be putting her mouth in her purse," said Ron. "It's all dirty."

"And how would you know Ron?!" asked Hermione.

"I-I-I umm..."

"I've got five Galleons on me," said Harry.

"Ha!" said Hermione. "I'll give you ten to one odds!"

"You're on!"

"What about you Ron?" asked Hermione.

"I'll put down two stickles that Dumbledore comes back," said Ron.

Albus ran up. "Who are you betting on?"

"We're betting to see if Dumbledore will come back," said Harry.

"Well put me down for fifty Galleons that he doesn't," said Albus.

"You don't think he's alive?" asked Harry.

"He's alive?!" asked Albus. "Well there goes fifty Galleons down the drain!"

Harry slapped Albus' forehead.

"Cut that out! Anyways I came here to congratulate you, Harry on winning the _Awesome Amazing_ Award."

"There's no such thing Albus," said Harry.

"Sure there is!" said Albus. "It's being given out in ten minutes in the astronomy tower."

"Ten minutes!?" gasped Harry. "Why don't people tell me about these things?"

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Albus ran out of the Great Hall.

Ten minutes later they arrived in the astronomy tower.

"Wait a minute," said Harry. "There's no one here! How am I going to get my award now?"

Ron grabbed Albus. "Think Albus! Was the award supposed to be given in the astronomy tower?!"

"I-I-I-I-I-I-I can't remember!" shouted Albus.

"You'll have to do better than that," said Hermione.

"I think it was the astronomy tower," said Albus. "That's what the man in the dark hood said."

"What man in the dark hood?" asked Harry.

"Oh, he came to me at lunch and told me that you were going to get an award in ten minutes."

"Obviously some kind of trick Harry," said Hermione. "But why would they want you at the astronomy tower."

"Or more importantly," said Ron, "out of the Great Hall."

Everyone gasped and ran out of the room.

* * *

"Oh the carnage!" shouted Albus ten minutes later in the Great Hall. 

"Umm... Albus?" asked Harry. "The room looks exactly the same."

"But just look at these people's faces!"

"They look normal to me," said Hermione.

"The blonde kid got it the worst!"

"Hey!" shouted Malfoy.

"I don't get it," said Ron. "Nothing's changed."

"Yeah," said Harry. "Except that Tom and Severus are now gone."

"No they're not," said Albus. "They're hiding under the table."

Sure enough, Tom and Severus were under the Slytherin table looking utterly terrified.

"What's the matter?" asked Hermione to Tom.

"Someone just tried to kill us that's all!" shouted Tom.

Albus sighed in relief. "At least that's all."

"You idiot!" shouted Severus. "We were just sitting in here minding our own business, when someone storms in here and starts shooting spells at us. Then when we got safely under the table, our attacker changed everyone else's memory so they wouldn't remember."

"That's impossible!" said Hermione.

"Not at all," continued Severus. "They put a memory potion in the soup. Good thing Tom and I don't like it."

"How could you not like chicken noodle soup?!" gasped Ron.

"It's too heartwarming," said Tom.

"Not to mention it has Trans fats in it," said Severus.

"There must be someone else in this room who remembers," said Hermione.

Meanwhile everyone in the room was happily slurping down soup.

"I'll find out," said Albus as he got up on a table. "Does anyone remember if a madman came running in here trying to kill Tom and Severus?"

Everyone ignored him.

"Whoever remembers gets five Galleons."

Everyone looked up and shouted. "I remember!"

"I wonder if that would work on homework?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"You can't bribe the children!" shouted Phillip who had just returned from using the bathroom.

"I know," said Professor McGonagall as she wiped some soup off her chin.

Meanwhile, Ron gasped.

"What is it Ron?" asked Hermione.

"They ate all the soup without me!"

Hermione slapped Ron on the forehead.

"I had a thought," said Harry. "What if the same person who tried to kill Albus also was the person who tried to kill Tom and Severus?"

"You don't actually believe their crazy story do you?" gasped Hermione.

"It kind of makes sense."

"No," said Hermione, "_this _makes sense."

Hermione slapped Harry on the forehead.

"Does this mean that Harry doesn't get his award?" asked Albus. "If so then can I have it?"

* * *

"That doesn't make any sense!" yelled Ron to Harry the next day after potions class. 

"But think about it Ron," said Harry.

"No! Dumbledore would have no reason whatsoever to try to kill those three!"

"But what if they were secretly working for Voldemort?"

"Eleven year olds?"

"Good point."

"What I'm interested in," said Ron, "is that thing Snape was talking about before he disappeared... the second time."

"The thing that starts with an S?" asked Harry.

"Yeah! What could that be?"

"Could be anything. It might be a brand of shampoo."

"Why would Voldemort want to steal shampoo? He doesn't even have hair!"

"Okay, then maybe some head polish."

"Head polish?" asked Severus.

"Where did you come from Severus?" asked Harry.

"Oh... you know... I umm... I like the smell of potions."

"_Right_..." said Ron.

"Have you made any progress on who the killer is?" asked Severus.

"None," said Harry. "They seem to cover their tracks too well."

"Well did you use a fingerprint charm?"

"Umm... no."

"How about a spell finder jinx?"

"Not really."

"How about a comprehensive four point personality profile of everyone at Hogwarts?"

"No."

"Then what have you done?!"

"We made some drawings of what the killer might look like," said Ron as he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket.

On it was a photograph of Malfoy with a mustache drawn on.

"Wonderful," said Severus sarcastically.

"I think so," said Harry obliviously.


	19. Valentines Day Cops

Chapter Nineteen

Valentines Day Cops

"I've found something!" called Severus.

"Oh boy!" shouted Albus. "I hope it's my missing sock."

"It is as a matter of fact."

"Shh!" said Hermione. "I'm trying to do my homework."

"Well gosh!" shouted Albus.

Everyone in the Library shushed Albus.

"Wha!"

Tom walked in. "Hey Albus, I've heard roomer of some kind of holiday coming up."

"Really?" asked Albus excitedly.

"Yep! It's called Valentines day."

"What is it?"

"I SAID IT'S CALLED VALENTINES DAY!" shouted Tom before being abruptly hushed by everyone.

"No," said Albus. "I meant, what is Valentines Day?"

"I don't know. I think it's about some kind of drunk German guy who plays his accordion to make all the elves go away."

"Oh I've heard of that. I've been celebrating it in the wrong time of the year."

"That's a bunch of rubbish," said Severus.

"So you mean that I've been celebrating it in the right time of the year?" asked Albus.

"No not that," said Severus. "The thing that Tom said."

"I say nothing wrong ever!" shouted Tom.

Everyone shushed him again.

"You know what?" asked Tom. "This place is starting to annoy me!"

"It's not the place that I mind," said Albus. "It's the people."

"Exactly! Lets blow this shrimp stand! Oh wait-"

"SHRIMP?!" gasped Albus. "Quick! Someone get some lasagna!"

Tom and Severus both slapped Albus' forehead.

* * *

"So tell me Severus," asked Tom later in the Great Hall, "what _is _Valentines day about." 

"Well," said Severus, "it's when you make a card for everyone at Hogwarts and tell them how much you love them."

"That has got to be the grossest thing I've ever heard of!" shouted Tom.

"No," said Albus. "_This _is the grossest thing you've ever heard of-"

"Please go on Severus!" interrupted Tom quickly.

"I'd love to," said Severus. "Over the years, for obvious reasons, Valentines day has been reduced to buying generic factory made cards and putting your name on it."

"What about the kissing?" asked Albus. "I want to do some kissing!"

"You mean I've gotta waist my whole day buying cards?" asked Tom annoyed.

"Dude," said Severus. "It's not for three more weeks."

"Oh good! said Albus. "Now I have plenty of time to practice my kissing!"

* * *

_Three weeks later..._

"Wow!" said Tom. "Those last three weeks sure went by fast!"

"I know!" said Albus. "I still haven't perfected my kissing yet."

"Those weeks went by so fast that I wasn't able to buy any cards," said Tom.

Colin ran up to Albus and Tom. "Hey guys! I can't wait to see your cards!"

"Oh man!" said Tom.

"Don't feel so bad Tom," said Albus. "You're not alone."

"You mean that you forgot to get cards too?"

"No. What I mean is that you're not alone. See? There's someone over there, and over there, and over there, and I'm right here! And here comes Severus!"

"Have you been given any cards yet?" asked Severus.

"No!" said Tom angrily.

"I've gotten _tons_!" said Albus proudly as he pulled a bunch of cards out of his bag.

"Give me some of those," said Tom.

"No way! You have to earn them!"

"Who's going to stop me?" asked Tom as he took a handful of Albus' cards.

"Put those back!" screamed Albus.

"No," said Tom stubbornly.

"Did someone steal Valentines day cards?" asked Neville as he walked over.

"Yes!" said Albus. "_Tom _did!"

"You'll have to give those back Tom," said Neville.

"No," said Tom again.

"Then I'll have to force you to."

"And what authority do you have to do that?" asked Tom.

"I think I have plenty of authority to do that, considering that I'm a Valentines Day cop."

"A what?" asked Tom.

Neville pulled out his wand. "Are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?"

Tom pulled out his wand too. "I like things hard!"

"Okay then," said Neville warningly as he raised a walky-talky to he mouth. "All units move in we heave ourselves a code sixteen-niner-four-niner."

Suddenly Tom was surrounded by other students with badges that read: "Valentines Day Cop".

"Let's book him!" shouted Neville.

"Oh shi-" said Tom before being tackled by twenty students.

* * *

Much later, Tom sat in the Slytherin common room with a pack of ice on his head. 

"There is a lesson to be learned form this you know," said Severus to Tom.

Tom grumbled angrily. "I don't want to learn it!"

"Well you might want to know this. You got one Valentine."

"I did?" asked Tom in a chipper voice.

"Yep!" said Severus.

There was a moment of silence.

"Can I _see _it?" asked Tom.

"Nope."

"Well why not?!"

"Because I'm not done reading it."

"Why you dirty filthy Muggle hugger!"

"No wait!" said Severus excitedly. "Here's the best part! _Your soft tender voice quickens my pulse and your harmless expressions make me jolly every day_."

"What manner of evil is this?!" gasped Tom.

"The most evil of them all Master," said Severus cringing. "This card is from that one Hufflepuff girl."

"Who?"

"You know, that one person who hasn't been mentioned in the story yet."

"Oh yeah. She's crazy."

"She must be to send you a card like _this_!" said Severus. "In fact, _anyone _who would send _you _a card like this _must_ be cr-"

"Don't finish that sentence!"

"Yes master," said Severus as he went back to reading the card and giggling to himself.

* * *

Much later still that day, everyone had sat down for dinner when an owl flew in and gave Albus, Tom and Severus a package. 

"What is it?" asked Albus.

"It must be related to the Valentines theme because it is Valentines Day today," said Tom.

"What?" asked Albus dumbly.

"Tom," said Severus. "This is _Albus_."

"Oh yeah," said Tom. "Albus, this is a package."

"Oh!"

"Who's it from?" asked Severus.

"It doesn't say," said Tom.

"Well let's open it!" said Albus.

"No, let's just throw it in a corner!" said Tom sarcastically.

"Throw it in a corner?" gasped Albus. "Even _I'm _not that dumb!"

Tom raised his hand threateningly. Albus flinched.

"Well I'm going to open it," said Severus.

"No! Don't!" shouted Albus. "You'll ruin the nice duct tape that was used to close it."

"Duct tape?" asked Severus.

"Give me that!" shouted Tom as he snatched the box away and tore it open.

Three Valentines Day cards floated out of the box and hovered in between Albus, Severus and Tom.

"Ooh!" said Albus as he reached out and took the one that had his name on it. Severus and Tom did the same.

"Who would give us all cards?" asked Tom.

"Dude," said Severus. "It's Valentines day!"

"Very good Severus!" said Tom in baby talk.

"IT WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!" cried Albus.

"What?" asked Tom.

Suddenly all three cards sprouted teeth and started trying to eat the person who was holding it.

"I can't stop it!" cried Albus whose card had half eaten his hat.

Tom's card was trying to eat his arm while Severus' card was eating his hair.

"We're doomed!" shouted Tom.

"Hey Tom," said Malfoy. "Can you pass the potatoes?"

"Oh sure," said Tom as he pushed a large bowl of mashed potatoes to Malfoy then resumed freaking out.

"Wait!" shouted Albus. "I know the one thing that will kill a card!"

"What's that?" asked Severus.

"Years of storage."

"Not... helpful!" shouted Tom who's card was eating his chin.

"Well either that," began Albus before pausing to wrestle his half moon glasses away from his card, "or we could try soaking them in water."

Severus grabbed his glass of pumpkin juice and dowsed his card with it. Nothing happened.

"I said water not pumpkin juice! Watch."

Albus took a glass of water and poured it into the mouth of his card. The card cried a terrible cry and then exploded. Severus and Tom quickly copied Albus.

After killing his card, Albus continued eating his roast beef.

"Who do you think sent that?" asked Tom.

"Don't know," said Albus. "I wasn't able to read my card before killing it."


	20. Severus' Idea

Chapter Twenty

Severus' Idea

"So have you made any discoveries?" Harry asked Severus.

"Nope. Whoever is trying to kill me is doing a very good job of staying hidden and a very bad job of actually killing."

"Maybe they have a reputation to protect," said Tom as he walked by. "You know, it's very bad socially to have a kill record to your name."

"Tell me about it!" said Albus. "Not that I would know anything about that!"

"Although," continued Tom, "it sure is handy when trying to keep annoying people away."

"Gosh!" said Albus as he picked his nose. "I _hate _annoying people! Okay, I don't _hate _them. I love everyone!"

Tom rolled his eyes.

"That is very annoying Tom!" shouted Albus. "But I still love you."

"That's gross Albus," said Tom dully.

"The one thing that I don't get," said Harry, "is why someone would want you three dead."

"Maybe we once knew something important," suggested Severus.

"Or maybe," said Albus excitedly, "we're really royalty!"

"That is so stupid Albus!" said Tom.

"Hey!" said Albus. "Its 'That's so stupid, _your Highness_'"

Ron ran up. "Hey guys, they're serving peanuts in the Great Hall!"

"Peanuts?" asked Severus.

"What's a peanut?" asked Albus.

"Well," said Ron. "It's a kind of hard nut thing that grows in trees... umm... I think it's trees. No wait! That's potatoes! Silly me."

"Don't be stupid Ron," said Tom. "Peanuts grow underwater. That is why they're nuts. Gosh!"

"No no!" said Severus. "I read a book about peanuts. It's a disease that makes lumps grow on your ears."

"No!" said Albus. "That's called pretzels."

"Oops," said Severus. "Your right Albus."

"_Avada Kedavra_!"

"No," said Albus. "That's a drink."

"Duck!" cried Harry.

Albus Severus and Tom all ducked just as a killing curse flew over their head.

"Blast! Not again!" cried the person who had shot the killing curse.

Harry spun around. "Hey you!"

"Oh crud!" shouted the person as they spun around to leave.

"_Stupefy_!" said Harry with his wand drawn.

The person was hit with the spell and dropped like a rock. Harry, Ron, Albus, Tom and Severus all ran over the wizard.

Tom gasped. "You!"

"But why?" asked Ron.

"I don't know Ron," said Harry in a grave voice.

"Wake him up," said Severus. "Let's torture- umm... er... I mean _question _him"

"_Renovate_." said Harry with his wand drawn.

The person woke up.

"Why?" asked Albus.

"Yeah!" said Tom. "Why would you back stab us like this?"

"WHO IS IT?! TELL ME!!!" cried the person who was sitting at their computer, reading this story.

"You don't even know who I am!" said the wizard.

"I know who you are," said Harry. "You're the Auror who complained back at the ministry about the bad pay."

"Okay," said the Auror. "So you do know me."

"Why are you trying to kill us?" asked Severus.

"I was hired," said the Auror. "I was only in this for the money."

"Who hired you?" asked Tom.

"It was F-"

Suddenly from out of nowhere there came a killing curse that killed the Auror instantly.

"Not again!" shouted Albus.

"There's one thing that I don't get," said Severus.

"You mean why an Auror would try to kill innocent people?" asked Ron.

"No," said Severus. "I was wondering why the other person killed their hired help instead of killing one us while we weren't looking."

"To prevent himself from being discovered. Duh!" said Hermione as she walked over. "Now one of you go get a teacher to clean up this body."

"Yeah," said Harry. "It's starting to stink."

"Nope. That was me," said Severus.

Everyone else cried, "Eww!"

* * *

The next several weeks went by without much incident. That is if you exclude the time that Tom was cornered by the Hufflepuff girl in the owlery, or the time that Albus was attacked by one of Professor Phillip's bobbleheads, but that happens all the time anyway. 

"What's that Hermione?" asked Albus.

"Yeah what is it? asked Ron.

"What this?" asked Hermione pointing to a doodle that she drew on a scrap piece of paper. "This is just a sketch of a thermal-nuclear-ice-cream-maker."

Severus looked over from the Slytherin table. "Ice cream?"

Harry ran into the Great Hall. "Guys! I think I've figured how to find Dumbledore!"

"How's that?" asked Albus.

"With _you _Albus!"

"Me?!" gasped Albus.

"Either you or Severus or Tom," said Harry.

"Elaborate!" demanded Severus.

"The reason that someone wants to kill you three is because you know the location of Dumbledore and they hate Dumbledore! That would also mean that Voldemort is alive too."

"Wow!" said Albus. "I never knew that I knew so much!"

"How can they know anything if they don't even know who they are?" asked Hermione.

"Excellent point!" said Harry as he paced in front of everyone. "But don't you think that the Ministry might have erased their memories to try to hide the thing that they know? And now they're worried that Albus, Severus and Tom might remember so they're trying to finish the job!"

"Wow!" said Hermione in awe. "How did you do so much thinking without blowing a microchip?"

"It was hard!" said Harry. "I have a terrible headache now!"

Harry sat down and poured a glass of pumpkin juice on his head. Thick steam came off.

"If their memories were erased then could we restore them?" asked Ron.

Everyone looked at Hermione. She sighed.

"I think might I know some spells or potions that I could try."

"Wonderful!" said Albus jollily as he dished up some pudding.

* * *

"How's it going?" Harry asked Hermione a few days later. 

"Not good," said Hermione. "This potion isn't turning out how I wanted it at all!"

"You can borrow some food coloring from Colin," suggested Albus.

Severus poked his head around a corner. "Food coloring? AHH! What have you done to that potion?! It looks like a first year made it!"

"Who are you to talk?" asked Hermione angrily. "_You're _a first year!"

"Maybe I can still save it!" said Severus as he quickly grabbed up some ingredients and started measuring them. "I bet you didn't even bother to peel your slug brains!"

"Slug brains?" asked Hermione. "This potion doesn't need slug brains."

"Leaving out ingredients Miss Granger? Ten points from Gryffindor!"

"W-w-what?!" gasped Hermione.

Severus rubbed his head. "That was odd. I don't know what came over me... but it felt _good_!"

"Maybe you should become a teacher," said Ron.

"No!" shouted Albus. "I couldn't bear to see you get humiliated by thankless students who try to put blast ended skrewts in your desk!"

"What would you know about that?" asked Severus slyly.

Albus quickly put his hands behind his back. "Nothing."

The potion turned a shade of blue.

"Ooh!" said Ron. "Pretty!"

"RUN!" cried Severus.

"I can't," said Ron in a trance. "It's too beautiful!"

The potion caldron exploded! Everyone who was standing around it at the Gryffindor table got terrible burns.

"Why-(cough) did you make a potion in the middle of the-(cough) Great Hall, Hermione?!" demanded Ron whose face was totally burned.

"I have a potion for that nasty burn, Mr. Weasley." said Severus as he reached in his robes. "I'm so glad that I keep this on me at all times."

"No!" shouted Ron. "No more potions! I'll just go see Madam Pomfrey!"

"She'll probably just use this same potion," said Severus.

"I don't care! _Hers _is probably safer!"

"I doubt it. Most hospital versions of this potion don't use garlic roots, which prevents the common side effect of bubbling."

Ron left the room angrily.

"I-I'll take some of that stuff," said Neville who had gotten his eyebrows blown off.

* * *

"That potion was sabotaged I just know it!" said Severus later. "The only way that it could have exploded like that is if someone had added brustle-sprouts, which is illegal." 

"Boogers!" shouted Albus suddenly.

"Boogers? No, that would only cause it to stink. Really bad too," said Severus before stopping suddenly. "That's it! Albus you're a genius!"

Severus ran off.

"That was weird," said Tom. "Why did you say boogers anyway?"

"Because I accidentally sneezed one on your robes."

Tom screamed and ran off to a bathroom.

* * *

"So will Ron survive?" Harry asked Hermione later. 

"He's not doing so well," said Hermione. "The potion that Madam Pomfrey gave him for his burn also gave him a bad case of the bubbles."

"That's disgusting!" said Harry in shock. "I was thinking of visiting him before dinner, but now I think I'd rather protect my appetite."

"Good thing too," said Hermione. "They're serving meatballs tonight."

"Oh!" said Harry angrily. "There goes my appetite!"

"You don't like meatballs?"

"When I was seven, Duddley threw me into a big pot of meatballs and now they make me feel sick. I guess I'll visit Ron after all."


	21. The Remembrance Potion

AN: It's all winding down now!

* * *

Chapter Twenty-One

The Remembrance Potion

Most people think that bubbles involve sore pus filled blotches on the surface of the skin. That's actually called boils. Bubbles is much worse. It causes the person to burp bubbles. It's very fun to watch though.

"Harry," said Ron in the hospital wing. "I don't think I have much longer to live."

Harry looked over at Madam Pomfrey. "He'll be well again in about two hours," whispered she to Harry who then turned back to Ron with an evil grin on his face.

"You're gonna die?"

"I'm on my last leg Harry," said Ron miserably. "Since I'm going to die soon I might as well tell you my greatest secret."

Harry leaned in closer. "Well?"

"When I was twelve, I... I... I..."

Harry slapped Ron. "Out with it!"

"I saw Percy wearing a dress."

Harry tried to prevent himself from giggling. "Really?"

"Oh yes. He saw me and made me swear not to tell anyone or else he would turn me into a spider."

Harry covered his mouth to try to stop himself from laughing.

"I can feel myself passing on Harry," said Ron slowly before snoring.

* * *

"Percy was what?!" gasped Hermione. 

"He was wearing girls clothes!" said Harry.

"_That_ is Ron's greatest secret?"

"How lame."

"Indeed," said Hermione. "Mine is much better."

"What is your-"

"I'm not going to tell you Harry! You're just going to go tell someone else!"

Harry gasped. "I would _never _do that to my friend!"

"Hey Albus," whispered Tom near by. "Did you hear about Ron's brother?"

"Okay," said Harry. "So I might have told a few other people on my way to you. The Creevey brothers to be exact."

"Are you an idiot?!" gasped Hermione.

"No."

"Are you under the influence of goblin herbs?!"

"No."

"Then why are acting like the biggest, most inconsiderate, most brainless... even below Ron stupidness!"

"It's not that bad Hermione!" said Harry reassuredly.

"PERCY IS A WOMAN!" cried Albus as he ran through the castle.

Hermione gave Harry an angry scorn.

"Okay!" said Harry. "But I didn't tell Albus."

There was a loud crash coming from the Entrance Hall. Harry and Hermione ran over to see what it was.

In Harry's opinion, Percy always seemed like a kind of wimp. He sure didn't look like that now as he stood in the Entrance Hall after having blown both doors completely off their hinges. He opened his mouth and said in a terrible murder like voice:

"_Who started that rumor_?!"

Everyone pointed at Harry.

"I know that this looks bad," said Harry as Percy slowly stomped closer, "but it was Ron who told me!"

Percy stopped, and then made a beeline for the hospital wing.

"Now you have turned from a bad friend to an executioner," said Hermione slowly to Harry.

"I'm sure it's not that bad," said Harry hopefully.

The hospital wing exploded.

* * *

"And needles to say," said Harry to Albus the next day, "that Ron will be spending a few more weeks in the hospital wing... or what's left of it at least." 

"Why did Percy try to kill Ron?" asked Albus.

"Because Ron saw him wearing girls clothes."

"AHH! PERCY IS A GIRL!!!"

Harry slapped Albus' forehead. Albus came back to his senses. Severus ran in the room.

"Guys!" he said while trying to catch his breath. "I've done it! I've finished the potion!"

"And about time!" said Tom. "I'm hungry!"

"A remembrance potion is incredibly difficult!" said Hermione. "There's no way that you, a first year could have done it."

"Well you made a polyjuice potion in your second year Miss know-it-all!" said Severus. "Plus I got an Outstanding in my N.E.W.T."

"You're not old enough to take the N.E.W.T.!" said Harry.

"Whatever!" said Severus quickly. "The important thing is that the potion is ready!"

* * *

Harry, Hermione, Albus, Severus and Tom all stood around a big caldron filled with bubbling, churning, glowing, splashing, steamy, sweetly smelling- 

"Now I'm hungry!" said Albus.

"Actually Albus," said Severus. "I thought that you should be the first person to test- I- er mean... _take _the potion."

"Oh boy!" said Albus as he poured himself a glass.

"Now it is essential that you drink at least a whole glass in order to have your memory totally restored," said Severus as Albus started drinking.

No sooner had Albus started drinking that he gagged and spit the potion all over Harry, Hermione, Tom and Severus.

"This stuff tastes like battery acid!" shouted Albus angrily. "And I should know too!"

"The idea is to drink it _quickly_!" said Severus angrily. "You're not supposed to savor it!"

"Well you could have warned me!" said Albus as he tried hacking more of the potion up.

"Gosh!" said Tom angrily. "And I just got these robes cleaned too!"

"Don't worry," said Severus. "This stuff washes right off. That's because I added newt spine. Something that _any other person_," Severus paused as he looked up at Hermione, "wouldn't have thought to add!"

"Don't you down talk to me Severus!" said Hermione. "It's not funny!"

"Oh!" said Harry. "So it's not funny when there's someone smarter than you! Well that's just dandy!"

"Don't you get started!" yelled Hermione.

"To late! The key is in the ignition and the foot is on the gas pedal!" said Tom.

"How do know about cars?" asked Harry.

Severus pulled out a book about cars. "I read this to him every night to help him sleep."

"I wish you'd read to me every night," said Albus grumpily.

"SEVERUS!" shouted Tom. "You promised not to mention that!"

"Will you guys just stop arguing and drink the darn potion?!" shouted Harry.

"NO!" shouted Albus. "I will delay as long as I want!"

"Me too!" said Tom.

"Well If you guys aren't going to drink this then I am!" said Severus as he poured a glass.

As he raised it to his lips, a spell shot from out of nowhere and hit the glass making it shatter.

"No one will drinking that," said a mysterious voice off in the shadows.

"Who are you?!" asked Harry as he drew his wand.

"Me?" asked the voice. "No one. Just a guy who's capable of killing all five of you if I wanted to, that's all."

"Oh good!" said Albus. "At least that's all."

"Shut up terrorist!"

"Hey!" said Albus. "I am _not _a tourist!"

"_Lumos_." said Harry with his wand raised.

"Oh my dear gosh!" gasped Severus. "It's-"


	22. It's

Chapter Twenty-Two

"It's"

"-only you," finished Severus relieved.

"Why did you call Albus a terrorist?" asked Tom.

"Yeah!" said Harry. "Why?"

"WHO IS IT?! TELL ME!!!" cried the person reading this.

"Are _you _the one who was trying to have Albus, Severus and Tom killed?" asked Hermione.

"Yes! It was I, _Phillip_!"

"Yes," said Albus. "We know your name. Why are you saying it so sinisterly?"

"No reason," said Phillip. "I just like the sound of my voice with this funny British accent."

"What are you talking about?" asked Hermione.

"Yes," said Harry. "Would you be so kind as to explain your evil plan to clarify everyone about the situation?"

"Well if y'all haven't noticed (which is because I'm so good at disguising myself) I ain't a Brit."

"I know that accent!" said Albus. "You're a westerner! I've watched plenty of television to know that."

"Actually," said Phillip. "I'm from D.C. I just like to compliment the classic European theory that all Americans speak with a Texan accent."

"So does that make you an Eastern-Western-European-Brit?" asked Severus.

"I guess it does," said Phillip proudly.

"Can we please get back to the currant situation?!" demanded Hermione.

"Well gosh!" said Phillip. "Here we are having a leisurely conversation, and you want us to go back to being serious so that the readers won't know that you were in a comedy fan-fic."

"What are you even talking about?" asked Tom.

"Sorry," said Phillip. "I forgot that you European wizards don't use computers."

"I-I do." mumbled Harry.

"My parents are dentists!" said Hermione. "Dentists use computers."

"Continuing!" continued Phillip. "I work for the N.S.A., in the magic division. For the last two years I've been tracking Voldemort."

"Voldemort?" asked Harry. "Why would an American want to know about Voldemort?"

"Voldemort is a HUGE threat to national security! You think that after he takes over Europe that he's just going to sit back and have a nice nap? No! Then he's going to take over Asia, then Africa, then Australia, then South America, and then finally America! We're just too high on his list to be comfortable!"

"You make an excellent point!" said Tom. "But what does that have to do with killing us?"

"I've been devising a way to kill Voldemort, but the fact of the matter is, it's just plain hard! I've never been able to come up with a good plan. But now, he's fallen right into my very hands! To pass up this opportunity would be crazy."

Harry gasped. "Are you implying-"

"Yes," said Phillip.

"This whole time!" said Hermione. "And right under our very nose too!"

"Yeah," said Harry. "Albus, Severus and Tom actually know the secret location of Voldemort!"

Phillip slapped Harry's forehead. "And to think that you're Dumbledore's last hope too!"

"No!" said Harry angrily. "Ron is Dumbledore's last hope. I'm his first hope. Even Malfoy is higher up on Dumbledore's list than Ron."

"You idiot!" snapped Phillip. "Don't you think it's odd that shortly after Dumbledore, Snape and Voldemort disappear in the Ministry that three kids appear who have the same first names? Albus, Severus and Tom are Dumbledore, Snape and Voldemort! I'm just not sure which is which yet though." He slapped Harry again. "I should take this slapping custom back to America. It's so fun!"

"Just be sure to tell them that I invented it!" said Albus.

"Yes," said Phillip to himself. "It shall be called the Albus slap."

"I like the sound of that." said Tom as he slapped Albus' forehead.

"Will you stop that?!" shouted Albus.

"There's no need to get angry now!" said Phillip quickly.

"What's the matter?" asked Harry.

"What's the matter?" repeated Phillip in amazement. "I'll tell you what's the matter! If you knew that someone was an insane killer, would you want them getting angry?!"

"Albus isn't in- Well okay he is. But he isn't a killer!" said Hermione.

"How do you know?" asked Phillip. "For all we know, he could be Voldemort!"

Albus gasped in terror. "I'm Voldemort?! I never suspected it!"

"Dude!" said Harry. "This is Albus! I've have never ever seen him want to kill someone!"

"He might not be a killer," said Phillip, "but he is insane enough! And Tom is sinister enough! There is a very good chance that Dumbledore and Voldemort's minds got mixed up in the explosion."

"And what about me?" asked Severus. "Don't you suspect that _I _might be Voldemort?"

"No," said Phillip calmly.

"What?!" asked Severus in shock. "I'm plenty evil! Why just last week I gave Mrs. Norris a piece of raw beef! She could get worms now!"

"First off," said Hermione, "cat's can eat raw beef. and second off, why were you being kind to that- that rodent?!"

"Yeah Severus," said Phillip. "I'm not worried about you at all. You could even take the remembrance potion if you wanted to."

"You don't think I'm evil?" asked Severus. "Well watch this!"

Severus shot a spell at Harry's hair, which turned blue.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Severus fakely.

Harry scowled at Severus. "Are you going to turn it back or what?"

"Fine," said Severus grudgingly as he turned Harry's hair back.

"Your more of a follower Severus," said Hermione.

"Bu-bu-bu-bu..." stuttered Severus.

"Anyhow," said Phillip. "It also means that I wont have to kill you."

Severus' expression changed. "Why of course I'm not evil. I'm a freak'n goody two shoes!"

"_Riiiiiiight_." said Phillip. "But I'm stalling. Time to kill."

Phillip pointed his wand at Albus and Tom.

"Wait wait wait!" said Tom quickly. "What if we promised never to attack America?!"

Phillip thought about it. "Alright. But you both will have to do an Unbreakable Vow."

Albus nodded. "Seems good to me. Now if only I have a pair of unbreakable pants."

"I have no objections," said Tom.

"Great!" said Phillip. "Now when one of you becomes Voldemort again and takes over the world, you won't be able to get America! Disaster adverted!"

Everyone said "YEAH!" then they all looked at each other for a few seconds.

"Does anyone here actually know_ how _to do an Unbreakable Vow?" asked Severus.

"Gosh!" said Hermione. "_I'll _show you!"

* * *

A few minutes, and two Unbreakable Vows later, Phillip went off on his merry way. 

"The guys back at the N.S.A. are gonna love me for this!" said Phillip happily as he walked off.

"Wait!" called Harry. "Who is Phillip Jr. really?"

"Oh he is actually my son," said Phillip.

"You took your son on a dangerous mission?!" gasped Hermione.

"Just think of it as 'bring your kid to work day'," said Phillip as he disappeared out of sight.

Hermione frowned. "Okay, but wait a minute...so Voldemort won't be attacking America, but what about the rest of us?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "And how do we get you three back to normal?"


	23. Severus Drinks the Potion

Chapter Twenty-Three

Severus Drinks the Potion

"You know what?" asked Severus. "I think that I'm going to take that potion now!"

Severus dished up a glass.

"So what did your insight about boogers have to do with this?" asked Tom.

"What?" asked Severus between gulps.

"Remember? Earlier today Albus cried 'boogers' and you got an idea and ran off."

"Oh yeah," said Severus. "Well I was having some trouble with a bat-newt infestation in my four-poster bed so Albus made me realize that a booger broth might make them go away."

"So that had nothing to do with the remembrance potion?" asked Tom.

"Nope!" said Severus as he up-ended the glass. "Well that's it! I should be getting my memory back now!"

Everyone stared at Severus.

"The potion doesn't take affect instantly!" snapped Severus. "It might take a few minutes."

"How long are a few minutes?" asked Albus.

"About three point two seven five," said Tom.

"What?" asked Albus confused.

"Just longer than two shakes of a monkey's tail but shorter than the time it takes to say 'Bob's your uncle' one hundred times," said Harry.

"That's too long!" cried Albus in panic as he grabbed a glass of potion and downed it in one gulp.

"Don't drink that too fast!" cried Severus. "That might cause a rare but serious side effect of bursting!"

"Yeah right!" said Tom.

"I THINK I'M GONNA BURST!" cried Albus before throwing the potion up all over Tom's shoes.

"_Nice_," said Tom sarcastically.

"I don't think so," said Albus. "That was terrible!"

"Well if you're done then I might dish myself a glass too," said Tom as he did just that.

"I can feel it working!" said Severus. "I'm starting to remember stuff. I remember brooms, and garlic, and ice cream, and people, and dinosaurs, and trucks, and chickens, and-and-and-"

"WHAT?!" cried Tom.

"I remember bumble bees!"

"AHH!" cried Albus. "Those evil things?!"

"What's the matter?" asked Harry.

"Why when I was first made Headmaster, the Slytherins pulled a prank on me by putting a bee hive on my seat in the Great Hall. It was nasty!"

"But how can you remember being Headmaster if you haven't taken the potion yet?" asked Hermione.

"I... Umm... well you see... er... when a man and a woman love each other very much-"

"ALBUS!" shouted Hermione. "Or should I say, Professor Dumbledore?!"

"Don't shout at a teacher Miss Granger!" snapped Severus.

"Yeah!" shouted Harry. "I was right! I was right! Who was right? _I _was right!"

"Did you just now figure that out?" asked Hermione angrily before turning to Albus. "How long have you had your memory?"

Albus looked at the floor in a guilty way. "Remember the time that I got my foot stuck in a bucket and then tripped down the moving stair cases? Well later that same day some of the Slytherins hung me from the astronomy tower by my underwear and while hanging there I got my memory back."

"You owe me fifty Galleons Hermione!" said Harry happily. "That's what you bet me if Dumbledore came back!"

"Fifty what?!" gasped Hermione. "How am I supposed to pay that?!"

"I don't know," said Harry. "But you were the one who gave me ten to one odds."

"And Dumbledore!" snapped Severus as he walked over to him. "_You _knew for the past month while we've been dodging Phillip's poorly planned assaults!"

"But it was so fun!" said Albus happily. "And you were all my friends! When I'm just normal Dumbledore people look at me and say, 'eww! An old guy!' But you were nice to me and that made me happy!"

"I never thought that I would say this," said Severus, "but you're almost as dumb as _Ron_!"

"This is all great guys," said Tom who now had his memory back too, "but if we don't figure out a way to become our adult selves again we might never go back to our normal lives!"

"Yeah!" cried Albus happily.

"I can't go around looking like this!" said Tom. "How do you expect all my Death Eaters to respect me as an eleven year old?!"

"You are almost twelve you know," said Albus. "Oh boy! Then we can go to our _second _year of Hogwarts!"

"No!" shouted Tom in horror. "There is no way that I'm going to relive this last year again!"

"But it wouldn't be the same as last year," said Albus. "It would be a new year with new memories and events! Just imagine! A new year!"

Tom grabbed Severus by his robes. "Tell me that you have some kind of potion up your sleeve that can change me back!"

"Calm down!" shouted Severus. "You'll give yourself a cramp!"

"I had a cramp once," said Albus. "It hurt like crazy! Then I got Madam Pomfrey to-"

"Yes we know!" said Severus.

"Umm guys?" said Hermione. "I don't think you guys will ever change back."

"Wrong Miss Granger!" said Severus with delight. "I might have cooked something up that will do the trick."

"Another potion?" asked Harry.

"No, as a matter of fact," said Severus proudly. "Well... actually... yeah, it is a potion. But a very different potion! One so terrible that if done wrong it threatens to-"

"Blaw blaw blaw!" said Tom. "Come on! Let's see it!"

"Gosh!" said Severus angrily as he stormed out of the room and then returned a few seconds later holding a large cauldron of a steamy, bubbly, chilling, oozing, flowing, scorching, splashing, frothy, od-

"Come on!" said Tom.

"You are bossy!" said Severus angrily as he set the cauldron down.

"I have never seen anything like this before!" said Hermione in amazement. "What is it?"

"Well of course you haven't'!" said Severus sinisterly. "Because it's never been made before! I'm bound to get an article in _Potions Weekly _with this little concoction! There's just a few ingredients left to add."

Severus reached into his pocket and pulled some odd things out.

"What the heck is that?!" gasped Albus.

"Well..." said Severus as he added each ingredient."We have, aluminum foil, plastic Dementors, silver head polish, gold yarn, bathroom bugs, toilet worms, food colored boogers, duct taped ice cream, coal bones and peanuts."

"Where did you came up with such stupid things?!" asked Hermione.

"Oh, they just sorta came to me over the year," said Severus as he stirred the cauldron. "There! All ready! And it didn't blow up as I had expected too."

"It's always a good thing when stuff doesn't blow up!" agreed Albus."How does this potion work exactly?" asked Tom.

"Well," said Severus. "Obviously the thing that first turned us into children was a molecular linear time distortion field, created by the Space-time Stone which Voldemort had tried to steal back in August. So this potion will just simply reverse it."

"Sounds good to me!" said Albus as he took a deep drink. "And it tastes like oranges too!"

"Oranges?" asked Severus. "But that would only happen if it were a brain barfing potion."

"A WHAT?!" gasped Albus in horror.

"Just joking!" said Severus laughing. "The orange flavor comes from the duct taped ice cream. It's Orange flavored."

"Very tasty," said Tom as he got a glass.

"Yes," said Severus as he got himself one too. "Most potion makers don't bother to flavor their potions, but I think that it makes it more appealing to the public."

"Flavored potions," said Albus. "You should start a company!"

"Yeah," said Tom. "It could be called, _Snape's Savory Sensations_."

"Or _Severus' Savory Sensations_," said Hermione. "That sounds better. I read about that in, _Title, Grammar and its Appeal to the Public_."

"I like Snape better," said Harry.

"You like Snape?!" gasped Ron as he walked in.

"Ron!" said Harry quickly. "How did you get better so fast?"

Ron thought about it. "Magic. Duh!"

Harry slapped Ron on the forehead.

"Oww! Are you trying make me have to go _back _to the hospital wing?!"

"Yes," said Harry absent mindedly. "Yes I am."

"Harry?!" said Ron in horror. "Why is Voldemort standing behind you?!"

"Oh!" said Hermione happily. "I guess the potion worked!"

"Indeed," said Snape. "and the side effects were only minimal."

"What side effects?" asked Dumbledore as he scratched the pretzels growing on his ears.

"Hey look!" said Ron. "Dumbledore's back! You owe me twenty stickles, Hermione."

"Get in line!" said Hermione angrily.

"So what happened while I was gone?" asked Ron. "And where did Albus, Severus and Tom go."

Voldemort chuckled to himself. "They're _dead_!"

"They're dead?!" gasped Dumbledore. "They were so young too!"

Snape slapped both Dumbledore and Voldemort's foreheads.

"Wha!" shouted them both.

* * *

AN: Don't leave yet! There's still one more chapter to go! 


	24. Epilogue

Epilogue

Harry was walking down a corridor, hurrying to exams when he spotted someone out of the corner of his eye.

"Hey Severus!" said Harry as he passed.

"Hello Harry!" said Snape in a happy voice until he realized what he was doing.

Harry realized it too and stopped. They both stood there staring at each other awkwardly.

"Get off to class Mr. Potter!" snapped Snape quickly.

"It's not class sir," said Harry. "I'm having exams."

"Exams?" asked Snape. "Boy am I glad that _I _don't have to do those!"

Harry thought about it for a moment.

"Run along!" shouted Snape angrily, trying to break the awkwardness.

Harry ran off without looking back.

* * *

Dumbledore was walking down a corridor while holding a book that he needed Professor McGonagall to "explain" to him. Voldemort walked by. 

"Hey Tom!" said Dumbledore in his usual greeting to Voldemort.

"Hey Albus-I-I-er mean... Dumbledore."

"What brings you back to Hogwarts?"

"I'm finally going to change the Hogwarts records to say that my name is Voldemort."

"Oh darn!" said Dumbledore. "It's much easier to spell Tom than Voldemort. How am I supposed to write you Christmas cards now?"

Voldemort slapped Dumbledore's forehead.

"Will you cut that out?!" shouted Dumbledore.

Voldemort laughed to himself. "Come on Dumbledore. It _is _the Albus Slap."

Dumbledore started laughing. "Albus Slap. I sure hope that I never meet that guy!"

Voldemort slapped Dumbledore again.

"Wha!"

"What is it?!" said Snape angrily as he came around the corner. "Did you get attacked again by that book, Dumbledore?"

Snape froze at the sight of Dumbledore and Voldemort standing together.

"Awkward!" said Dumbledore.

"I think I feel a cramp coming on," said Snape.

"I had a cramp once," said Dumbledore.

"Yes, we know!" shouted Voldemort.

Suddenly Voldemort grabbed at his wrist and started moaning in pain.

"Cramp?" asked Snape.

"No, it's pretzels!" shouted Voldemort sarcastically.

"I'll go get you some dung weed potion," said Snape as he turned around.

"I have a better idea!" said Dumbledore as he ran up to Neville, who was walking by and took a Dung Weed plant out of his hands.

"Hey!" said Neville.

"Sorry," said Dumbledore. "I need this for Voldemort's cramp!"

"No not that," said Neville. "That's not a _Persian _Dung Weed, it's a Canadian Dung Weed.

"What does that do?" asked Dumbledore.

"It causes bubbling."

Dumbledore looked down at the plant he was holding. "Oh well. Hey Voldemort, _this_ will clear up that cramp!"

* * *

"There is a lesson to be learned from this," said Harry later. 

"What's that?" asked Ron.

"I'm always right, that's what!" said Harry proudly.

"But what about the time that you thought that Snape was trying to steal the Sorcerer's stone?" asked Hermione.

"Umm... well-"

"Or the time you thought Malfoy was the heir of Slytherin?" asked Ron.

"Well... you see..."

"Or the time you thought that Sirius was a blood thirsty killer when he turned out to be just an unfortunate guy?" asked Hermione.

"Or the time that you thought-" began Ron.

"Alright!" shouted Harry. "Maybe I'm not _always _right! In fact, don't take a lesson from this incident at all!"

"I don't know," said Hermione. "I did find it very important to note that-"

"Hey guys!" said Fred and George as the walked over.

"Fantastic timing!" said Ron. "You missed most of the entire book!"

"We just came to tell you guys," began Fred.

"that the catalogues were a huge hit!" said George.

"And," continued Fred, "old Dumbly wants us to make some more for next year!"

"Oh boy!" said Ron.

"Oh no!" said Harry and Hermione.

"Hey!" said George. "Without those catalogues, Albus, Severus and Tom might never have gone to Hogwarts. They might still be wandering around somewhere."

"Now _that _is a scary thought," said Hermione in agreement.

"Yeah," said Harry.

"Gosh, Harry!" said Ron. "You always have to have the last word don't you!"

"No!" said Harry. "Hermione likes to have the last word!"

"Wrong!" said Hermione. "It's Dumbledore who likes to have the last word!"

"Nope," said Dumbledore. "Snape is the one who has to have the last word."

"Incorrect!" said Snape. "I do believe that it is Voldemort who usually has the last word."

"What can I say?" asked Voldemort. "I do."

Everyone slapped Voldemort's forehead.

"Wha!"

* * *

AN: 24 Chapters, 28423 Words, 3 Months to write. There you go! The compleation of yet another great Harry Potter Story by me. I'd like to thank my younger sister for helping my write this (and by that I mean dragging me kicking and screaming to the computer). I'd also like to thank everyone who has read this far and also everyone who has been so kind as to post a review. Now if you don't mind, I am totally "Harry Potter"ed out. I don't think that I'll be writing another fan-fic for a very-VERY long time! But you can always go to my profile and read many of my other funny HP stories. You can also click the link to my YouTube account and see some funny Potter Puppet Pals movies too! 


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